The Loons! The Loons! Part II

(This is the second of my three-part, highly prejudicial and completely impressionistic, in-depth, gut-checking analysis of the Republican Presidential candidates.)

In the first installment of this series (that sounded so journalistic), I spouted off on what’s wrong with Mitt Romney’s campaign tactics and what he should do to really connect with both the people he wishes to represent and the rest of us. Today I will endeavor to unravel the political DNA of his chief rival for the Republican Presidential nomination, the ever sanctimonious Rick Santorum.

You know that things are pretty grim for Mitt Romney when the Deep South favors a Catholic candidate for President over a Mormon. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that the prevailing view of Catholicism among fundamentalist ‘Christians’ in the South was that of a weird cult, full of mysticism and sorcery. That’s right Catholics! In the never-ending game of My Religion is Better than Yours, the pious of the South once put you Catholics in the same category as Harry Potter...that is of course when they weren’t busy casting demons out of the sickly, and segregating, enslaving, and killing people of color. Oh yes, and lest it be forgotten, the Klan paid the occasional visit to Catholics when they weren’t busy with their other civic activities. Yessiree Bob, nothing makes a religious zealot happier than having a target to hate in the name of God; which makes Rick Santorum the almost-perfect candidate for them.

Now normally, I would have surmised that the rise of a Santorum-type to the level of viable candidate was just another of my Chantix induced nightmares. In fact I’m still not sure that his jump in popularity isn’t one of them. Nevertheless I have to assume that the rest of you are seeing the same things that I am. And if you aren’t, will someone please throw cold water on me and wake me up because in this dream the United States is just one tiny moustache, brown shirt and a “Sieg Heil” away from having its first dictator.  Take a look at the picture below and tell me you don’t think so!

To be honest with you folks; this guy scares the bejeezus out of me, and if by some great cosmic faux pas he should happen to win the general election, I am either moving to Canada and living with the mole people underground somewhere, or I plan to kidnap one of the Dakotas (we’ve got two, they’ll never notice), and start my own country. It’s already gotten me so distraught that I get the willies every time I see a sweater vest.

Santorum’s biggest problem is his staunch absolutism. It doesn’t leave room for peaceful coexistence with others. If you don’t agree with him, then plan on living in a retraining camp for the length of his term. Like any religious zealot, his answer to differing opinions is to ‘smite’ his opponents, or in the case of Iran, smite them to kingdom come.

Nevertheless, in the interest of democracy, I am willing to offer Mr. Santorum my heathen wisdom in an effort to make him a more earthly presidential candidate.

First of all Rick (can I call you Rick?), you have got to stop saying stupid stuff like telling Puerto Ricans that in order to become the fifty-first state they have to all learn English. Whether you believe it or not, they spoke Spanish before we claimed them as a territory. They may not want to be a state, okay? Leave the Puerto Ricans alone.

Some of the other dumb things you spout...wow...there’s so many of them I don’t know where to start. Okay let’s go with this one first. You said on October 18, 2011 to Caffeinated Thoughts.com.

One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think, the dangers of contraception in this country. Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s NOT okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.  

Contraception is dangerous? Come on Ricky (can I call you Ricky?), really? The only time I can imagine that it would be dangerous is if you smother your partner to death after you’re finished to avoid pregnancy.

As for it being a “license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be”, the last time I checked, having sex for the sheer pleasure of it was a pretty cool thing and no license was needed. I don’t know what kind of sex you’re having Dick (can I call you that?) but leave everyone else out of it.

By the way, the reason no president has talked about it before is because it was none of their friggin business and they knew it. But this guy is bound and determined to hurl our society back in time when women weren't  so all-fired uppity. He really believes that come hell or high water, and despite what women want, he knows better because he is a man. And you wonder why I left the tribe?

Okay, let’s try another ‘Santorumism’...

"The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical. And that is what the perception is by the American Left who hates Christendom. ... What I'm talking about is onward American soldiers. What we're talking about are core American values." (South Carolina campaign stop, Feb. 22, 2011)   

Wow, this guy can wear one out! Richard (can I call you that?), try to understand this. Not EVERYONE gives two shits about ‘American’ values outside of America.  I’m not even sure anyone can agree on what an ‘American value means here’. So stop pushing this kind of rhetoric. For instance, as a transgendered person, I have differing sets of values than yours which I believe are right. To me, a Trans or gay person is entitled to live their life in peace and the pursuit of happiness, according to the Constitution the same way you are. That’s the true American value. And as long as we don’t harm each other, as you are trying to do to us, you have a right to your opinion, But you don’t have a right to smite us. And really, since about 10% of the population is a member of the TGLB family and WE VOTE, you might want to stop saying things like...

"Is anyone saying same-sex couples can't love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too?" (Santorum's Philadelphia Inquirer column, May 22, 2008)

Or,

If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does. ... That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing." (AP interview, April 7, 2003)

Okay, you know what? I cannot help this man. I am sure that he loves his family and this country, but this is one twisted mister. And if you vote for him and his weird sexual obsessions or his insane political views, then you are as a crazy as he is. So my advice to the rest of you is to work like the heathen you are, and send this guy to Rome where he can be elected Pope. But keep him and his kind out of my life, out of my bedroom, out of my civil rights and most of all out of my White House. Because if you don’t work to do so, you are going to get the government you deserve.   

I have to go now. I feel dirty and in need of a shower.

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug, everybody eat. Abbondanza!

   

The Loons! The Loons!

(This is the first of my three-part, highly prejudicial, and completely impressionistic, in-depth, gut-checking analysis of the Republican Presidential candidates.)

You may have noticed that there is a Presidential race going on here in America; or at least half a race. The Republican candidates have been involved in a rather messy, very public version of King of the Hill as they vie for the Republican nomination. I say half a race because the President is not yet involved in it. He is off doing other mundane, often unnoticed things, like bringing the country back from the worst economic disaster since the Great Depression (what a slacker!), while his opponents address the real issues threatening the fabric and future of America, such as birth control, abortion rights, Presidential birth certificates, and same-sex marriage.     

What started out as oh, thirty or forty people running for this really thankless job has been narrowed down to just three; well, four if you count Ron Paul, who if nothing else is sure to have a hit record with his original tune, “Hey you kids, get off of my lawn!” It will be released as soon as he decides which of the other lucky contestants gets his 7% of the Republican voter base and then drops out.

The other three, Romney, Santorum and Gingrich are slugging it out in the semi-finals. But in the end, only one will be the new American Idle (sic). So how are they doing?

Well, last night Rick Santorum, the former Senator from Pennsylvania, won the key Southern state primaries in Alabama and Mississippi. Not to be outdone, Romney cleaned Santorum’s clock by winning the all-important Hawaii and American Samoa primaries. That’s right-American Samoa! And he might have lost that all-important contest too if his handlers hadn’t counseled Romney to stop calling them the American S’mores.

Willard “Mitt” Romney has been campaigning for the last five years for this nomination. He’s spent millions and millions of dollars, and still can’t seem to get above 30% in any of the primaries held thus far. Here, in my humble opinion, is why I should be his campaign manager.

America is composed of about 99% “Working Joes” and “Working Josephines”, not “Working Willards” or “Working Mitts”. He needs to start by changing his name to “Hank” or “Duke” Romney. That will immediately give him 2 or 3 percentage points in these contests.

Second, he needs to spend an entire season as the host of television’s Dirty Jobs, cleaning septic tanks or killing cows in a slaughterhouse. Right now his only connection with just plain folks is his learned ability to say ‘grits’, ‘y’all’, and ‘I like trees’. Just for going to work, ole Duke Romney will grab another point or two in these races.

While I’m at it, I would tell Mitt to stop doing things like making $10,000 bets with people while he’s on national television. Oh I know that children do that all the time, but this guy can actually pay one off just with the dough in his wallet. In fact, I’d venture a guess that his wallet alone cost about 10k.

Admit you’re rich, Hank Romney! Why do you pretend that you aren’t? You are not one of us. Wearing jeans and rolling up your sleeves doesn’t make you so. I have never seen anyone look as uncomfortable as you do at one of these campaign whistle stops. You’re like the rich kid who shows up at a public basketball court and wants to start a pick up game using your personally autographed Michael Jordan ball, and who brings Michael Jordan with him as his teammate.

Be proud of the photo with you and the money falling out of your pockets! Revel in the fact that your bedroom slippers cost more than I make in a week. Hire all the illegals you can afford to clean for you!

Stop tying the dog to the roof of your car! It doesn’t look good.  And while you’re at it, get an All-American dog we can identify with, like a pit bull. Name him something like Hercules. And make sure America sees ole Hercules, testicles swinging around on CNN news feeds. The public likes a dog with balls.  Not only will America think you’re tough, but piss-ant countries like Iran will think twice before dropping an A-bomb down Israel’s throat. Plus you get the added benefit of protection! What chicken-fried smelling trailer trash is going to shove their urine-soaked baby in your arms when there’s even the remotest possibility that ole Hercules will chew its arm off?  

 Be proud of being a Mormon! Get married to a woman in every town in which you campaign! Beat up a gay person! Have a vision at a county fair; nothing says ‘America’ more than a potential President going glassy-eyed and quoting Joseph Smith’s golden tablets. Store the Osmonds in the luggage compartment of your bus and drag one or two out at each stop! Come on, do I have to think of everything?

And stop flip-flopping on every issue...or not...no really you need to stop...no you don’t. YES YOU DO! Jesus, it’s contagious!

America wants you to say SOME things, not EVERYTHING! You need to understand the concept of videotape. This isn’t 1900 where you can say shit to people one day and change your mind the next. You can’t be for “Obama Care” back then and against it now, especially if it’s original name was ‘Romney Care’. IT’S YOUR PLAN! Either embrace it or change your name to Creampuff Wussy Wimp III.

Mess up your hair once in a while. Does Bain Capital also own the Vitalis Company? Let America know that yes that is actual human hair and not a communications helmet from whatever robotics firm built you in the first place.

You need to swear a little too. And get drunk. And take a mistress. Or at the very least, pull a Bill Clinton and tell the world you got oral sex on the corporate jet, even if you didn’t. Make shit up! America will see you as human and flawed, and love you to death.

Finally, you need to make a dramatic speech, one that’s emotion-packed and will tug at both America’s heartstrings and purse strings. I’ve got one for you and you can put it in the new documentary I’m writing for you at this very minute. I call it...

Knute Romney-All American Guy!

Here’s your script.

“Well America...I haven’t a thing to say. We’ve played a great game...all of us...Great game. (He tries to smile)

I guess we just can’t expect to win ‘em all. But we sure wowed them in American S’more...er, Samoa

(Romney pauses and says quietly)

I’m going to tell you something I’ve kept to myself for years-

None of you ever knew Bob Dole.

It was long before your time.

But you know what a lesson he was for us all at the political game.

(There is a gentle, faraway look in his eyes as recalls Dole’s words)

And the last thing he said to me--“Romn,’ he said-

“sometime, when the team is up against it—and the breaks are beating the shit out of the Republican party—tell them to go out there with all they’ve got and win just one for the Doler....

(Romney’s eyes become misty and his voice is unsteady as he finishes)

I don’t know where I’ll be then Romn”, he said—“but

I’ll know about it—and I’ll be happy”.

Next, I’ll be giving my expert political punditry to Rick Santorum. Sooner or later, one of these loons will listen to me and I will be the most powerful, non-elected, transgendered comedian in the universe!

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug. Everybody eat. Abbondanza!