Saturday, February 4, 2012

Super Hyperbole

Oh boy! It’s Friday night and I don’t have a gig, so I can spend it doing one of my favorite things; being parked in front of the ole laptop reading the latest from National Geographic Magazine at And there is just so much good stuff packed into it that it might take me all weekend to finish it!

For instance, there is a very cool story about the H.L. Hunley, a Confederate SUBMARINE which sunk off the coast of Charleston, South Carolina in 1864 after it fired a torpedo into the U.S.S. Housatonic. It was the first sub to sink a ship EVER, and it was brought to the surface in 2000, with the skeletons of the crew still inside! Now, after twelve years of restoration, Nat Geo has published some wonderful color pictures for the world to see. I can’t wait to research this even more... maybe I’ll save it for some Sunday night fun!

But enough about the Hunley because if I go on and on about it I won’t have time to tell you about GJ 667Cc! Never heard of it you say? Who’s that you ask? HA! Why, just the biggest celebrity to hit the astronomic world in light years! GJ 667Cc is a NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANET JUST 22 LIGHT YEARS FROM HERE (22 ½ with traffic). And, what makes this discovery so damned exciting is that it makes it one of the best candidates yet to support our kind of life! Can you imagine that? After we’re done screwing this planet up, we now have a BACKUP Planet to ruin! Sure it’s pretty rocky, but once the marketing department is done with designing a campaign, it won’t be long before Richard Branson is selling tickets and packaged climbing tours on his Virgin Atlantic- faster than the speed of light rocket ship. And for you sun worshippers, GJ (pronounced gee-jay) boasts not just one main sun, but a pair of orange dwarf stars to boot! Wow... orange dwarf stars. I can see John Boehner drooling over that one while he’s making his summer vacation plans!

As if that weren’t exciting enough, how about this? Antarctica’s fastest-melting glacier is about to lose a chunk of ice larger than all of New York City!

The article doesn’t say whether the Pine Island Glacier in West Antarctica (everything is bigger out west) is the size of just Manhattan, or all five boroughs, but even if it’s just the same area from the Battery to Dykman Street , it is going to be one big-ass ice cube floating around out there.

What makes this so significant and a bit scary too is that because of its location, it will be floating to the ocean at a faster pace than other glaciers normally have and will be RAISING THE SEA LEVEL! (Are you listening, Gingrich?)

So there are amazing and frightening things going on in the world and we should all be packing carry on bags ($25 per bag, please) for the next ship bound for GJ 667Cc. It’s all over and...

“Just park that Virgin Atlantic- faster than the speed of light rocket ship back in your hanger, Missy. You ain’t a goin nowhere!”
Hey....Generic Voice #1! I haven’t heard from you since way back in December. How the hell are ya?

“Don’t you worry about how I AM, you crazyass trans-gen-dentalist. Just what kind of nonsensical bullshit are you tryin to stir up here with all this National Geographical crap? Don’t you know this is a sacred weekend for America... hell for the civilized world? 

Sacred weekend? What on earth are you talking about? This isn’t a sacred anything. It’s just...

“SUPER BOWL WEEKEND, YA GENDER-BENDIN MANIAC! It’s the single, most important day of the year!”

Oh, that. Yeah, I guess it is a big deal for a lot of folks.

“You guess? You GUESS? Sister, let me fill you in on the facts. This is the most talked about, most watched, most beer-drinking-est, event of the year. Why, the fate of the entire civilized world economy (don’t count Europe) rests upon the success of those massively, magnificently built, sweaty boys in their tight-fitting, ass-hugging pants. Why did you know that on this one day, the NATL (National Average Testosterone Level) rises by nearly 4% in men AND women? Or that the VPI (Vomit Production Index) goes up by 2.76%?

 Really? I didn’t know that. The world does need more vomit and testosterone, and I'm glad America is Number One,  I guess.  But honestly, don’t you think the story about the new planet is import...

“Oh my Lord woman, or whatever you are! Listen to yourself! What kind of an American are you? Why don’t you just use Old Glory  for toilet paper or kick Uncle Sam in his red, white and blue testes? I’m talking FOOTBALL here. GOD’s game! Invented by God Himself! And all you can blather on about is some new planet or a 150 year old submarine? What the hell is wrong with you anyway? You a Commie or something? Why I’ll bet you Tebow to a picture of Stalin every morning. ”

Seriously? C’mon GV, it’s just a game. Don’t you think you’re giving in to all the hype from the media?

“Just a game? What in the name of Rock Hudson are you talking about? This isn’t just a game, toots. This is a moment in history, like raising the flag on Iwo Jima or the cancellation of “Working It”. This is about good, God-fearing American manly men and the women who serve them coming together on this sacred day in unity. Why, more praying is done on Super Bowl Sunday than any other day of the year, did you know that?

Actually, no I didn’t...

Sure! Gamblers and hard-working Joes from every corner of this great nation bow their heads and ask their Loving God for His blessing in having the winning box in the office pool or that their team beats the spread. I’ve got $50 that says Madonna will have a wardrobe malfunction, for crying out tears.

Yes, but in the end, it really is just a game. I mean, you don’t get hurt like those guys do, you don’t make any money from playing it, and if you ran into Eli Manning on the street and started yakking with him, he’d probably just have his security guy rough you up and toss you into a dumpster. I guess its fun and all to watch, but you are just so overwrought about it.

Don’t you see that you are buying into it all? It’s just a way for these corporate pimps to rake in the money. And with all of the other really important stuff going on in the world, like the Antarctic’s glaciers melting, I would think that you would at least have the same amount of passionate concern as you do about something as trivial as this game. By the way, you have a little frothy thing happening at the corner of your lips there. I think you’re overexcited.

“Wha? Oh yeah... that happens when I get all sparked up like this. It’s a side-effect of the anti-depressants I take.”

You? Depressed? Why, GV?  Wait... are you crying?

“I... I don’t really know why. It’s just that after you said all of that, it kind of made sense to me. Look, I don’t have much in my life. I hate my job, I’m behind on all of my bills, and I feel like a complete failure in life. This game, jeez ... I mean I LIVE for this one day in the year, ya know? For a few hours, I belong somewhere, with other people, and we can forget all about the crappy world and the friggin global warming, and all the other horrible shit that’s going on around us. It’s just ....happy for a while. Wait...why are YOU crying, Missy?”

“Because you’re right, Generic Voice #1. I take all this stuff so seriously sometimes and I forget that it weighs on people who are just trying to get by in life and eventually get out of here with the least amount of pain. I mean, I’m sorry the glaciers are melting and that eventually, Ohio will have ocean front property, I really am. But it does no one any good to think about it all the time. There’s something to be said for good ole Ecclesiastes 3:1.

To everything there is a season,
a time for every purpose under the sun.
A time to be born and a time to die;
a time to plant and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
a time to kill and a time to heal ...
a time to weep and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn and a time to dance ...
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing;
a time to lose and a time to seek;
a time to rend and a time to sew;
a time to keep silent and a time to speak;
a time to love and a time to hate;
a time for war and a time for peace.
Ecclesiasts 3:1-8
“Well ma’am I’m surprised that a heathen abomination like you even knows that wonderful song. Would you like one of my anti-depressants?.”

No thanks. I’m not just a pretty face you know, GV. I’ve got feelings.

Darlin’, no offense, but you have about fifteen floors of freakish and homely to climb before you can even see pretty. But you know what? You ain’t so bad once people get to know you a little. Maybe after the game you can tell me about this new planet and the glaciers. And by the way, that sub story sounds pretty interesting too.

Thanks GV. You aren’t so bad yourself for a pompous blowhard with a low-rent IQ. Tell me a little bit about this game tomorrow. What makes it so exciting?

Well there’s the matchup. It hasn’t happened in quite a while. And then there’s the half-time show and the commercials. Did you know Matthew Broderick is going to be appearing as Ferris Beuller in a Honda commercial?

No! Really? “Bueller....Bueller...”

“Bueller...Bueller”’re all right, you know that? Say, I’m having a little Super Bowl wingding over at the house. Why don’t you come on over and join us?”

Can I bring a date?

Hmmm... I don’t know. man or woman?

It doesn't really matter CV, does it? Man, woman, you've got to get past all of that.  It all depends on what time you choose for us all to come together.

Well, the game starts at six. The party starts at three. But you weren’t talking about the game time, were you?

Nope. I’m on Ecclesiastes time. By the way, are you a Giants or a Patriots fan?

Patriots! Booya! Don’t tell me you like the Giants? It figures.

Uh I guess Ecclesiastes would say that for me, tomorrow is going to be my time to dance. For you, unfortunately, it will be a time to weep.

Woman... nobody likes a smartass.

Well then, I guess its time to leave.


No, Scotti.

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug, everybody eat! Abbondanza!



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