Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Flying Monkey Ate My Incentive

Well, we’re almost four months into 2013 and from the looks of things here at the blog, I have been quite remiss in keeping up with things here. For that egregious betrayal of your trust, I humbly apologize.

In a world where the only way of saying ‘hello’ to the person standing next to you is via a text (#wtf?),  it’s sometimes easy forget what a lifeline to humanity this blog is. In my greedy little narcissistic world, I have forgotten that there are people all across the continents who read it, depend on it, who count on it as their only source of quality entertainment (in black and white, color, and HD where available). You could say that for millions of readers around the world, Julia Scotti-Inside and OUT is as important as PBS, but without the annoying entertainment factor or fundraising drives which seem to come faster and last longer each time they interrupt my television watching. You could say all of that, but I wouldn’t in front of other people. They’ll think you’re out of your mind. Trust me, I know.

There are major reasons of important national security why I haven’t been keeping up here. However, I am sworn to secrecy....and there is a little exploding pellet just under the skin of my skull which, if set off by a super secret government agency, would make a huge mess at the dinner table and ruin my family’s Easter. Let’s just leave it at that, shall we? Here’s the real reason I have been AWOL from this blog.

After months of creative toil, it became apparent to me that I had to take a break from writing JS-i&O for a while. What began as a wonderful creative outlet (it replaced North Korean Monopoly) for me became over time, a job, like an assembly line factory worker or a ‘fluffer’ in a porn movie. Week after endless week of trying to find creative ways of saying in three pages what I could have easily accomplished in one, I realized that I had gone dry creatively speaking, with no source of material that I deemed “Blog-worthy”.  I rapidly became an impotent, useless piece of flesh not unlike Mitch McConnell, Rush Limbaugh, or Karl Rove.

It didn’t take too long before my idleness, and a blossoming friendship with some rogue Elks Club members, led me into a sordid life of donut addiction which nearly killed me. Broke and with nowhere to turn, I resorted to performing  unspeakable acts, such as standing on the shoulder of a highway dressed as a cell phone to promote A Terrible & Tragic  phone company just to feed the two-box-a-week powdered sugar monkey on my back. It was an unimaginable horror I tell you.

It wasn’t until I began to hear from readers like Ushi, the Japanese commercial Swai (Japanese catfish) fisherman, or Lech, the juggling rabbi in Latvia, or the entire male Russian gulag prisoner dance troupe, GETUZOWTSKY (who longed for the top secret sex messages I had playfully embedded in it), that I came to understand that maybe it was time for me to stop being an isolationist, set aside my beloved hobby of Splenda packet collecting, turn off my beloved  Swamp People television marathons and. spring into action. I had to get these keyboard keys a clickin’ once again!

Realizing that it was time to make some major changes to my lifestyle; time to get back into the fray, to once more create posts so mundane that they would border on profanity if read by a genuine writer. But how? How does one get a mojo back which has seemingly flown the proverbial coop?    

I considered becoming a kosher vegan just to annoy and confuse my friends when they invited me over to dinner. Then I actually met a vegan and realized that yes, I too could be pushed to a level of rage which I had heretofore never thought possible. Those people get on my nerves with all their dietary lectures! But it wasn’t enough to jumpstart my desire for resuming the writing of this blog. It would take more.

Entering a convent for a few months of spiritual reflection seemed like a good idea initially, but did no good either. I made the mistake of going to one in which  the sisters take a vow of  poverty, chastity and silence, Of course I had no problem with the first one, but it’s cruel to put a lesbian comedian in a room full of women and expect her to be chaste AND quiet all the friggin time. Plus, they didn’t appreciate my smoking, watching Letterman through my ‘cell’ window on the neighbor’s giant flat screen TV across the street, and my constant use of the world ‘friggin’. Couple that and the complete lack of donuts in the convent fridge and I don’t have to tell you, I went nearly mad! Sisters of Mercy indeed!

Tibet and the Dalai Lama beckoned for a bit. What better place than that to get your soul in gear, right? But the pilgrimage fell by the boards after the Dalai wrote me saying how much he was looking forward to meeting me because he had a keen interest in doing stand up comedy and had been writing material for years. He sent me some of the stuff, and trust me, he might be able to float in the air or sit naked on a Tibetan cliff in the dead of winter for an entire week, but he has zero comedy bones.  And so my journey continued.

I’m two pages into this entry now and have managed to fill it with nothing which even remotely explains why I have shied away from writing here. I guess the truth of the matter is I got lazy. I made excuses for not writing (see today’s title) and kept pushing it off like a summer school book report that was due on the first day of September. Like my credit card payments, the more I postponed it, the more behind I got. The more behind I got the greater the guilt, and as the guilt grew so did my resentment of the blog, to the point where I opened the blog one dark and stormy night and yelled at it for a good ten minutes. “How dare you try to push me around, blog? You aren’t the boss of me! I’ll write when I damn well feel like it and you and all your entries can go straight to ...” well you get the idea.

But that isn’t the entire reason. Since we last spoke, I have been doing some really cool things. And if I hadn’t eaten up the first two pages with the nonsense you’ve just taken a few minutes of irretrievable time from your life to read, I would have told you some of them.

So here’s what I’m going to do. I will hold off until future, more regular posts to share with you Ushi, Rebbe Lech, and  the GETUZOWTSKY crew and anyone else who wants to read this because there really is a lot to tell. Honest. Dammit it went to three pages again!

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug, everybody eat. Abbondanza! 

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