A few years
ago, I was in Los Angeles to film something for TV. It happened that we were shooting it at the
same studio that Seinfeld and the Mary Tyler Moore shows were filmed, so I was
pretty excited.
The MTM show
was one of my all-time favorites and it was way cool that the streets were all
named after many of the cast from that show. I shot some footage on the Central
Park set from Seinfeld, so suffice to say, I was in 7th heaven.
But it was
the MTM stuff that really got to me. I was imagining the cast just walking
around, going to commissary and playing softball outside. Don’t ask me how or
why softball got into my fantasy. It just did. But to be around that much TV
history was like a dream come true, and I was sad, but satisfied when it was
over.
The next day
I was off to LAX for the plane ride back to Jersey. If you’ve never been to
LAX, it’s a huge airport and you should pack a lunch and a change of clothes
for the walk from the TSA place to your gate. I was suffering from two lousy
hips at the time and so I asked to be wheeled down to my gate, which they very
nicely accommodated.
They wheeled
me into the handicapped area and parked me there. I kind of felt conspicuous
and self-conscious when after about about five minutes I saw Ed Asner, Mr. Grant from the
Mary Tyler Moore Show being wheeled in too. They parked him so that we were
facing each other!
Now, I’m in
show business and so is he. I try not to be impressed by celebrities, but this
was LOU FUCKING GRANT! Nevertheless, I nodded to him and he nodded back. I was
incredibly proud of how cool I was being.
A few
minutes later, we all boarded. Ed went to first class, of course, and I went to
a seat that had a little more room than the overhead compartment. I took a
melatonin pill and waited for it to kick in. It is a 6 hour flight back to
Jersey and I wanted to sleep through it. But alas, sleep was not on my horizon
that day.
About an
hour into the flight, I noticed that the guy next to me was watching a
documentary on…get this…The Mary Tyler Moore Show! I was like, holy shit, this
is weird, because there on the screen who do you think was being featured? ED
FUCKING ASNER!
I wanted to
jam this guy in the ribs and scream, “You don’t have to watch this on TV…Lou
Grant is right in the front of the plane!” But I was cool and kept my mouth
shut.
Cut to
Newark Airport, six hours later. I go to the luggage carousel and get my bags. I
can’t wait to get outside to have that cigarette I’d been craving for the last
8 hours. I hurried outside as fast as my arthritic hips would take me and lit
up. Nirvana.
About two
minutes later, guess who was being wheeled out? ED ASNER. He stops right in
front of me and he lights up a cigarette! Then, he smiles and says in that Lou
Grant voice, “Well, we made it!”
Oh my God,
he's talking to me! But I kept my show business cool and casually said, “Yes we
did!”
At that
point he reaches out his hand and introduces himself. “Ed Asner”, he says as if
I had just landed here from Jupiter. I took his hand and said, “Julia Scotti.
And I am well aware of who you are. I’m a big fan.” But still I was cool. And
then it happened. I completely went fan gaga.
“You said
one of the most famous lines in TV history!” said I with all the composure of a
12 year-old.
But he was
cool He smiled and said, “And what was that?”
I stammered
a bit and then blurted out, “You’ve got spunk…”
And before I
could finish the line, he scowled, looked me right in the eye and said, “I HATE
SPUNK!” I was in heaven, I was sure.
Well after
that we started chatting like we actually knew each other. I explained that I
was a comedian and that I had been out there filming and he seemed genuinely
interested. I asked him what he was doing here on the East Coast.
“I’m here to
do a reading at Lincoln Center on Tuesday.”
Of course you are, I thought. And I’m going to be working at Uncle Yuk Yuk’s Chuckle Hut on Staten
Island this weekend.
“Listen,” he
began. “I’ve got a car coming to pick me up in a few minutes. Do you want to
ride up to NY with us?”
Wait. Did I just hear that right? Did
Ed Asner just offer me a ride?
We all have those moments in life when we are forced to make
either the decision which will harm us (even though that’s the one we want) or
the pragmatic, practical decision. My car was parked across Rt. 9 racking up
the daily fees. But at that moment I didn’t care. I had this once in a lifetime
opportunity to take a one hour ride into New York with a TV legend. I couldn’t
believe what came out of my mouth.
“Gee Mr.
Asner…”
“Ed.”
“Uh…Ed. I
really appreciate the offer. But my car is across the highway at a lot. But I’d
be more than happy to go get it and come back for you. You’d save a fortune on the
car.”
What did I just do? This guy is a
legend. And I’m offering him a ride in my 10 year old, cigarette butt and
cheeseburger wrapper filled Hyundai? Have I gone mad? Yes! I’ve gone completely
insane! Where is my show business cool?
Ed couldn’t
have been more gracious. He kind of smiled and said, “No the car’s on its way.
But thank you.”
I shook his
hand one last time and began walking toward the shuttle pick up point. My back
was to Ed, so he couldn’t see the deranged smile on my stupid puss. But his
simple act of kindness gave me a memory that will last a lifetime. I thank him
for that.
PS. I was
proud of myself for not losing my showbiz cool until I got back into the
car.
