My Top Six Predictions for 2015

 

By Madam Julia , Psychic Prognosticator

 

One of my many well-kept secrets is that I have been blessed with a third eye, which enables me to see far into the future. While it is true that I cover this eye with lots of makeup for show business purposes, it does not however, cloud the visions which come to me regularly, usually on Tuesday nights during NCIS. And that is a shame because I really love me some Mark Harmon.

 

With 2015 just around the corner (check it, it's there waiting to bash you over the head and take your purse), I am bound by my sacred oath as a certified psychic to share and warn you of what lies ahead. Here then are my predictions. Unfortunately, all of my visions have to do with New Jersey this time around but if anything else pops up I'll be sure to let you know.

 

1. Donald Trump will get out of the casino and hotel business and open a chain of frozen custard stands. "Forget Mr. Softee," will sayeth The Donald, "this summer New Jersey will be licking Mr. Donny. Instead of DQs they'll be experiencing DTs!"

 

2. A group of rogue Amish will flee Pennsylvania and establish a new colony in Camden, New Jersey.
 

3. NJ Senator Cory Booker will confront Chris Christie in a Denny's and finally force him to sit down and shut up.

 

4. A new bond rating will be created to reflect New Jersey's ailing economy. They will be rated "DOA".

 

5. A pre-Revolutionary war parchment will be discovered in a Trenton home. It will show that our state's name is not in fact, New Jersey, but New Jimmy after James, Duke of York, the brother of England's King Charles II.

 And finally...

 6. A team of right wing 'patriots' armed with chain saws will begin a covert operation to saw New Jersey from the mainland. They will then claim it as an independent island nation and rename it Cruzyland in honor of Ted Cruz. No one will notice.

 

I am available for private readings at $427 per session. Use the codeword 'chickpea' for a 3% discount.  Happy Future to you!