Are You Gonna Eat That?

Well it’s mid-January once again, and time for my annual self-flagellation as I ponder the great cosmic mystery of why I am so damned fat.

This ritual is usually set off by some seemingly innocuous event, such as walking naked past one of the two mirrors that hang in my home and actually looking at what I’ve done to what was, in the best of times, a sub par body. Staring with utter revulsion at the image before me, I’d leap into action by slathering some creamy (all natural of course) peanut butter onto a vanilla sandwich cookie and begin to think about losing weight. After all, bikini season is coming and I don’t want to look bad sitting on the beach in my mu-mu, hating the girls whose bodies have the ability to stir thoughts of a brief May/December lesbian fling in the minds and hearts of America’s grandmas. So for all of you who consider Scooter-Pies to be the perfect dietary substitute for needless fiber, love, affection and fruit, I offer you Mama Julia’s Three-Step, Sure Fire Plan for Weight. Class, open your books and let’s begin!

Step One: Thinking about it.

According to the experts at the Kardashian School of Wreckonomics at Botox University in Saline, Wisconsin, thinking is highly overrated in today’s modern I-Society. More and more humans are finding that in the post- Michelle Bachmann era, thinking can actually be a hindrance to the quality of life. Yet, an exhaustive study done by Le’ Institute de Pommes Frites clearly shows that thinking burns 1/10 of a calorie per minute. And if you really want those pounds to melt off, try thinking hard. That will burn a whopping 1.5 calories per minute! Who needs Pilates with this kind of extreme workout?     

Some examples of thinking hard would include the question, what exactly does she want me to think about? This is a great place to start because it immediately moves you into the thinking hard category and upping your burn rate. If you don’t know what to think about, then think about thinking about what you don’t know what to think about. Confusing? Sure. Maddening? Absolutely! But soon, you’ll begin to feel those pounds dripping away as you think about thinking. This, along with the valium drip the psychiatric nurse will be administering to you to calm you down will give you a sense of calm and peace as you drift away with your imaginary dead cat, Chuckles by your side. And if you thought conscious thinking was frightening, wait until you get a load of twilight sleep thoughts!   

Whenever I begin Step One (which I do each Monday), a great deal of my careful analysis always has to include the ‘reasons’ I haven’t been able to lose weight. The novice may find this difficult at first, but with careful practice it gets easier and easier. After nearly sixty years of cognizance, my expertise in this practice can pinpoint with 99% inaccuracy the actual non-scientific, non-facts over my inability to shed tonnage. Let me share some with you

I am sure, for example, that my daily intake of  just 2mg of estrogen is really just a highly concentrated form of hot dogs, cake and pie, Fettuccine Alfredo, pizza, and of course, my beloved chocolate. Also listed as ‘reasons’, are my exercise allergy, still recovering from the sprained ankle I had in sixth grade, and the fact that I’ve reached an age where letting go of my looks is a constitutional right endowed by my Creator. I strongly recommend that you sit down at the kitchen table tomorrow morning with a cup of coffee and a buttered Twinkie and begin to list your ‘reasons’. Try it, it’s fun and educational!

If you’ve done Step One properly (and I’m sure you have), you are probably exhausted from your workout. Plop yourself in the Lazy Boy, turn on the TV and cool down by slowly flipping the channel changer button to see ½ second of every channel your cable system has to offer. Then, before you drift asleep, ask yourself, why am I paying two hundred dollars a month for this crap? This encourages some additional hard thinking and more calories burned! While you sleep, no less!  

Now we are about to move onto the subject of exercise, and Step Two of the plan.

Step Two: Find a piece of exercise equipment to pin all your weight-loss hopes on and buy it NOW!!!!!

NOTE: If this is your first attempt at Mama Julia’s Sure Fire Plan for Weight, I need to offer you a quick cautionary tale on the subject of exercise equipment. Veterans, you can skip this part. There’s cold pizza in the fridge; go and get a slice.

My chubby newbie friends, please be aware that in your zealous fervor to sculpt the perfect body, which everyone tells you that you need, you might want to rush out to your local sporting goods store to purchase a piece of exercise equipment. DON’T DO IT! These medieval torture devices are expensive, and because of their size, often need to be housed in a separate structure from your home. The downside of course, is that you will actually have to walk to the piece of equipment, and I guarantee you that on the first rainy day, you’ll find every reason in the world not to go. Eventually, it will just become a place to hang paint rags, nasty gym sweats, and automotive repair tools until you finally get so disgusted with tripping over it that you wind up selling it at a garage sale for twenty dollars or best offer.  

Through my vast weight experience, I have discovered that all the exercise equipment you will ever need can be purchased on television. No matter what your problem area(s) are, there is a product on that magic box that will claim to cure it. And, unlike expensive home gym equipment, you do not need a premature withdrawal from your 401k to purchase one. Nearly everything on TV is only $19.95! (Plus tax, shipping and handling)

You might be asking yourself right now, okay Mama Julia, with so many wonderful exercise products out there, how do I know which one is right for me? Glad you asked! Here again, experience has shown me that you should not even look at any product infomercial that has the words “Iron Man”, or the phrase, “of Steel” in its name. Those products actually require you to sweat and do physical exercise. My advice is that it is best to rely on those that have the word “Abs” or “Flex” in them. Generally, these products are effortlessly easy when actually used, and can often be folded and tucked under the bed, never to be seen again.

Once your equipment has arrived, assemble it directly in front of the television as an incentive to use it. You will feel a sense of excitement as you unpack it. This is caused by the adrenaline rush you get from thinking of your gorgeous self in just six short weeks. Adrenaline, as you many know, speeds up the heart, which causes you to burn more calories. Plus, as you simply think hard about locating all the little nuts and bolts that exploded out of the baggie all over the floor when you pulled it open, you will get a calorie burning BONUS jolt of adrenaline. Feel the burn baby!

Step three is about to come up and I’ve developed this method to dovetail nicely with your exercise regimen.  Don’t stop, you’re doing great so far!    

Step three: ­Develop a sensible eating plan by spending outrageous amounts of money on pre-packaged, infant-portioned food products.

You thinny-thins are very fortunate to have fat people in this country, I’ll have you know. Without us, there would be no multi-billion dollar diet food industry, which employs thousands of hard-working Americans. Unemployment would skyrocket, and the nation would once again be plunged into a deep, nasty recession. You don’t have to thank us. We do it for the love of God, country, and Entenmann’s. But enough with the accolades already! Let’s talk about eating right.

 I’ve heard a lot of talk about the glycemic index. Developed by Dr. David J. Jenkins in 1980, the index is a number which measures the effects of carbohydrates on blood sugar levels. Personally, I don’t need this, thank you. I prefer to use IHOP’s Rutti-Tutti, Fresh and Fruity Pancake method to achieve the same result. All you need to do is order one of these meals, pour on the syrup, chow down, and wait about five minutes for the process to begin... and it will. In no time at all, your sugar will be spiking so badly that seismologists will be registering it on their undersea sensors. You’ll be breaking out in a cold sweat and begging one of your friends to get you outside before you pass out.  But at least you will have had the pancakes along with a healthy lesson learned regarding how you process carbs.

If you do have a low tolerance to carbs, you might try the all protein plan. This one allows you to eat all the cheese omelets and sausage that you want. I can vouch for this plan personally, but only if I can offer some advice. Be creative and tweek it a little; try adding more variety to the meal by adding home fries and buttered toast 

Meal replacement ‘shakes’ are another popular item but generally don’t taste very well. Oh sure, they are thick and creamy like a chocolate shake, but no amount of beloved chocolate can hide the taste of whatever chemicals they put in them. So in order to make them more palatable, let me suggest adding a scoop (or two) of your favorite ice cream. Just toss the shake and ice cream in a blender for thirty seconds and voila! A wholesome, nearly healthy meal is yours for the drinking!     

Your last port of call on the “good eatin” express is of course, television-where all things are possible. Here you will find two major purveyors of prepared foods that will be delivered to your door for the paltry sum of about two hundred dollars a month. I don’t want to spend too much time on this method because it is self explanatory, and to be honest, I have an unexplainable fear of Marie Osmond’s commercials. I was fine with the Valerie Bertinelli ones, but Marie just makes me run from the room and cower under my comforter.

So there you have it folks. I can guarantee that if you commit to Mama Julia’s Three-Step, Sure Fire Plan for Weight or your own customized version of it, you can rest assured that you will join the millions of Americans who have weight! Now, how much would you expect to pay for a plan like this? Four hundred dollars? Three hundred? Two? Okay. Whatever you want to pay me is just fine.

But wait, there’s more! If you order right now, you will get a free sheet of glow-in-the-dark stick-on ‘X’s to put on your  wardrobe. Each time you grow another size you just peel them off and stick them on your clothing to let the world see how you've grown!. This normally sells for $19.95, but if you order right now they are yours.... Absolutely free! Just pay shipping and handling.

In closing, I’d like to remind you that it wasn’t always a social crime to be big in this country.  I can point to many works of Victorian literature where corpulence among females was considered sexy and desirable. And just as soon as Sears begins to offer budget-priced time machines, I plan to purchase one, and retro-retire back to 1893 where I will live out my life being worshipped as a goddess. But until then, I am just going to do the best I can, try to lose some of this weight, and not worry about it too much. The one thing I am not going to do however, is let myself be bullied into thinking that I should subscribe to some movie star or magazine’s image of what beauty is. I am beautiful just the way I am. If I choose to commit to looking better for my own self, that’s one thing. But if I cave in to social pressure to bolster someone else’s self esteem, it would make me the Biggest Loser EVER.  

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug, everybody eat! (Reasonably) Abbondanza!