Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Chronic-Illogically speaking.

I just got my 2012 wall calendar from Quazioxycodone’s Genuine Mayan Deli over on Route 38, and it is really beautiful. I hung it on the refrigerator with my magnetic “Vote for Herman Cain” chip clip. Right now, I’m just about to pencil in all the important dates to it so that I don’t forget them. Please excuse me for a moment.

Let’s see ... ooh, a couple of biggies right around the corner like...

January 16- National Nothing Day
 I could take that long-planned pilgrimage to Jean-Paul Sartre’s grave, or just eliminate him from my consciousness altogether and save the airfare, car rental, and TSA patdown.

January 20 –Penguin Awareness Day
“Happy Feet” marathon at the zoo. Twenty-two straight hours! Be sure to renew Prozac prescription.

 January31- National Bubble Wrap Appreciation Day
Get Carrot Top’s perfect birthday gift.

Wow, so many significant days in my life; February has Dump Your Significant Jerk Week; June 1 is Andy Griffith’s birthday (a sacred day, as he is my fantasy father). Then there’s July 7, National Chocolate Day, September 19, Talk like a Pirate Day (one of my personal faves), and of course, October 11, National Sausage Pizza Day.

There. Finished. Boy, I never realized just what a party animal I am! All these activities, gee...I wish someone would invent Time in a Bottle Day!

Thank goodness I have such a full, wonderful life! Now to just sit back, read the virtual newspaper for a while, just relax... and ...SWEET JUMPIN JESUS, LOOK AT THIS!

Doomsday clock moved CLOSER to midnight.

The Associated Press reports that the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists has been keeping a secret, symbolic clock in their hot little glowing, genetically-altered hands since 1947, that lets them know how close we are getting to Armageddon, either through nuclear (nukular if you are George W. Bush) proliferation, or climate change.

 It works kind of like Puxatawny Phil, the famous groundhog weather prognosticator and PR magnet, but to the extreme. If the Doomsday Clock, who we can give a cute nickname to, like say, The Dial of Death, moves to midnight, we will have 60,000 more years of nuclear winter. That’s 180,000 snow days for you school kids!

The thing of it is, it’s not even a real clock! It’s a big piece of cardboard with a clock face on it and moveable hands, like you might find in a nursery school. That’s how diabolically clever these atom-smashing MIT types are. They can build an imaginary clock and through their sheer brilliance, know when the world will end, give or take a thousand years or so, and by moving that minute hand, by hand, plummet us into despair and depression the likes of which have not been known since Milli Vanilli lip-synched their way to a Grammy.

Their fiendish brilliance is even more startling when you consider that it took me almost all of Christmas Day to set the clock on my new microwave oven. I guess, when you think about it, I really don’t qualify as one who should have insider Clock knowledge. 

Presumably the reason the scientists get to keep the Clock is so that they, unlike we IQ-challenged normal people, will have ample warning to slither off into their comfy concrete bunkers, which we all know exist about ten miles underground in Utah (right next door to John Huntsman’s). I find it to be quite ironic that nuclear scientists will be the sole survivors of a planet that will bear a striking resemblance to Detroit, considering these maniacs are the ones who invented nuclear bombs in the first place. I can only hope that, should they ever have to become the Mole People and entomb themselves for generations, they are forced to suffer with Rick Santorum and his hundreds of children  as the leaders of the pack. 

According to the Clock keepers, the closer we get to midnight, the closer we are to the ultimate first run of the real Big Bang Theory series. Right now it’s at five minutes to midnight, moving up a minute closer last Tuesday, when one of the Chosen gave the clock a ‘big hand’ job, ticking it from six to five.

*Author’s note-I really had to work at this paragraph in order to get the phrase “big hand job” in so that it worked. If you have a better paragraph, please, submit it and I will change it. How could I resist?

Just to give you some background on how much scientists love to scare the crap out of us, the closest the Doomsday Clock ever came to actually striking midnight was TWO MINUTES (yeah thanks for telling us, scientists). That was in 1953 after a successful test of a hydrogen bomb by the USA (of course), and the farthest away it has ever been was 17 minutes, back in 1991 when the Soviet Union fell apart (Yayy!). The second closest, for those of you keeping score was three minutes, following the opening weekend of Kevin Costner’s movie, Waterworld. That movie was so god-awful bad, it almost made me wish the clock had struck midnight.

What do we do? How do we survive this madness? Well to anyone with half a working brain, the answer is simple; we ban the manufacture of clocks.

Rubbish, you say?

Think about it; without clocks, mad bombers wouldn’t be able to set the timers on their devices. Workers could get into the office or the factory any time they want, and no one will ever dock their pay for being late. Planes and trains would be perpetually on time. Everyone would be happy and stress free.  And best of DOOMSDAY CLOCK! These scientists wouldn’t know when the end was coming, which means that they couldn’t prepare for it and scurry away, which means they might think twice before building a weapon that can kill millions of people in the blink of an eye!

None of this really matters though, because according to my friend Quazioxycodone at the Genuine Mayan Deli, the world is going to end on December 21, 2012 anyway. I know this because the calendar he gave me at the beginning of this essay and which is still stuck on my refrigerator doesn’t go past December 20th. I asked him how he could be so sure, and he said that his people, who were half Indian and half space alien scientists and mathematicians, predicted it thousands of years ago. I also pointed out to him that all his ‘people’ were dead and could not be held accountable for such a prediction. That’s when he pulled out the Mayan Doomsday Sun Dial from under the counter. He jiggled it around bit until the light cast a shadow on the area that said (in ancient Mayan, of course) End of the World-Don't Ask. “Here,” he said confidently, pointing to it. “How can you argue with science?” Being one of the mutant stupid, I could not of course. Instead I ordered a half a pound of Quazioxy’s famous “Ahhh-Maize-ing Chipotle and Cream Cheese dip”, grabbed some tortilla chips for scooping, and made my way home to ponder the end of the world.

While the thought of having my body parts blown out into space right around Christmas time was kind of a downer, I decided right then and there to make the most of the time I had left.

To begin with, I have chosen to stop paying my bills. The bill collectors won’t be able to get me on the phone, because the phone company is one of the bills I’m no longer paying and the phone will be shut off! Second, I am calling the Internal Revenue Service tomorrow and telling them I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore! Then I will pay my taxes, just in case the Mayans screwed up. Finally, I am going to take out the biggest loan I can get from every bank in the country, hop on a plane and go to Italy, where I will eat everything under the Tuscan sun, every day, and as much as I want. And when the banks start calling me for their money, I will laugh into the phone and say, “Ehi, vai Vaffanculo, sono troppo grandi per fallire! The English translation is, "Hey, go fuck yourself, I’m too big to fail!"

So I guess the world coming to an end on December 21, 2012 isn’t so bad after all. As with everything in life, it all depends on your point of view. I prefer to see the good things about it. After all, it’s not only the end of the world day; it’s also National Look at the Bright Side Day. Honest. Look it up!

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug, everybody eat! Abbondanza!


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