The Loons! The Loons! Part II

(This is the second of my three-part, highly prejudicial and completely impressionistic, in-depth, gut-checking analysis of the Republican Presidential candidates.)

In the first installment of this series (that sounded so journalistic), I spouted off on what’s wrong with Mitt Romney’s campaign tactics and what he should do to really connect with both the people he wishes to represent and the rest of us. Today I will endeavor to unravel the political DNA of his chief rival for the Republican Presidential nomination, the ever sanctimonious Rick Santorum.

You know that things are pretty grim for Mitt Romney when the Deep South favors a Catholic candidate for President over a Mormon. After all, it wasn’t that long ago that the prevailing view of Catholicism among fundamentalist ‘Christians’ in the South was that of a weird cult, full of mysticism and sorcery. That’s right Catholics! In the never-ending game of My Religion is Better than Yours, the pious of the South once put you Catholics in the same category as Harry Potter...that is of course when they weren’t busy casting demons out of the sickly, and segregating, enslaving, and killing people of color. Oh yes, and lest it be forgotten, the Klan paid the occasional visit to Catholics when they weren’t busy with their other civic activities. Yessiree Bob, nothing makes a religious zealot happier than having a target to hate in the name of God; which makes Rick Santorum the almost-perfect candidate for them.

Now normally, I would have surmised that the rise of a Santorum-type to the level of viable candidate was just another of my Chantix induced nightmares. In fact I’m still not sure that his jump in popularity isn’t one of them. Nevertheless I have to assume that the rest of you are seeing the same things that I am. And if you aren’t, will someone please throw cold water on me and wake me up because in this dream the United States is just one tiny moustache, brown shirt and a “Sieg Heil” away from having its first dictator.  Take a look at the picture below and tell me you don’t think so!

To be honest with you folks; this guy scares the bejeezus out of me, and if by some great cosmic faux pas he should happen to win the general election, I am either moving to Canada and living with the mole people underground somewhere, or I plan to kidnap one of the Dakotas (we’ve got two, they’ll never notice), and start my own country. It’s already gotten me so distraught that I get the willies every time I see a sweater vest.

Santorum’s biggest problem is his staunch absolutism. It doesn’t leave room for peaceful coexistence with others. If you don’t agree with him, then plan on living in a retraining camp for the length of his term. Like any religious zealot, his answer to differing opinions is to ‘smite’ his opponents, or in the case of Iran, smite them to kingdom come.

Nevertheless, in the interest of democracy, I am willing to offer Mr. Santorum my heathen wisdom in an effort to make him a more earthly presidential candidate.

First of all Rick (can I call you Rick?), you have got to stop saying stupid stuff like telling Puerto Ricans that in order to become the fifty-first state they have to all learn English. Whether you believe it or not, they spoke Spanish before we claimed them as a territory. They may not want to be a state, okay? Leave the Puerto Ricans alone.

Some of the other dumb things you spout...wow...there’s so many of them I don’t know where to start. Okay let’s go with this one first. You said on October 18, 2011 to Caffeinated Thoughts.com.

One of the things I will talk about, that no president has talked about before, is I think, the dangers of contraception in this country. Many of the Christian faith have said, well, that’s okay, contraception is okay. It’s NOT okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.  

Contraception is dangerous? Come on Ricky (can I call you Ricky?), really? The only time I can imagine that it would be dangerous is if you smother your partner to death after you’re finished to avoid pregnancy.

As for it being a “license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be”, the last time I checked, having sex for the sheer pleasure of it was a pretty cool thing and no license was needed. I don’t know what kind of sex you’re having Dick (can I call you that?) but leave everyone else out of it.

By the way, the reason no president has talked about it before is because it was none of their friggin business and they knew it. But this guy is bound and determined to hurl our society back in time when women weren't  so all-fired uppity. He really believes that come hell or high water, and despite what women want, he knows better because he is a man. And you wonder why I left the tribe?

Okay, let’s try another ‘Santorumism’...

"The idea that the Crusades and the fight of Christendom against Islam is somehow an aggression on our part is absolutely anti-historical. And that is what the perception is by the American Left who hates Christendom. ... What I'm talking about is onward American soldiers. What we're talking about are core American values." (South Carolina campaign stop, Feb. 22, 2011)   

Wow, this guy can wear one out! Richard (can I call you that?), try to understand this. Not EVERYONE gives two shits about ‘American’ values outside of America.  I’m not even sure anyone can agree on what an ‘American value means here’. So stop pushing this kind of rhetoric. For instance, as a transgendered person, I have differing sets of values than yours which I believe are right. To me, a Trans or gay person is entitled to live their life in peace and the pursuit of happiness, according to the Constitution the same way you are. That’s the true American value. And as long as we don’t harm each other, as you are trying to do to us, you have a right to your opinion, But you don’t have a right to smite us. And really, since about 10% of the population is a member of the TGLB family and WE VOTE, you might want to stop saying things like...

"Is anyone saying same-sex couples can't love each other? I love my children. I love my friends, my brother. Heck, I even love my mother-in-law. Should we call these relationships marriage, too?" (Santorum's Philadelphia Inquirer column, May 22, 2008)

Or,

If the Supreme Court says that you have the right to consensual [gay] sex within your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have the right to adultery. You have the right to anything. Does that undermine the fabric of our society? I would argue yes, it does. ... That's not to pick on homosexuality. It's not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be. It is one thing." (AP interview, April 7, 2003)

Okay, you know what? I cannot help this man. I am sure that he loves his family and this country, but this is one twisted mister. And if you vote for him and his weird sexual obsessions or his insane political views, then you are as a crazy as he is. So my advice to the rest of you is to work like the heathen you are, and send this guy to Rome where he can be elected Pope. But keep him and his kind out of my life, out of my bedroom, out of my civil rights and most of all out of my White House. Because if you don’t work to do so, you are going to get the government you deserve.   

I have to go now. I feel dirty and in need of a shower.

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug, everybody eat. Abbondanza!