The Loons! The Loons!

(This is the first of my three-part, highly prejudicial, and completely impressionistic, in-depth, gut-checking analysis of the Republican Presidential candidates.)

You may have noticed that there is a Presidential race going on here in America; or at least half a race. The Republican candidates have been involved in a rather messy, very public version of King of the Hill as they vie for the Republican nomination. I say half a race because the President is not yet involved in it. He is off doing other mundane, often unnoticed things, like bringing the country back from the worst economic disaster since the Great Depression (what a slacker!), while his opponents address the real issues threatening the fabric and future of America, such as birth control, abortion rights, Presidential birth certificates, and same-sex marriage.     

What started out as oh, thirty or forty people running for this really thankless job has been narrowed down to just three; well, four if you count Ron Paul, who if nothing else is sure to have a hit record with his original tune, “Hey you kids, get off of my lawn!” It will be released as soon as he decides which of the other lucky contestants gets his 7% of the Republican voter base and then drops out.

The other three, Romney, Santorum and Gingrich are slugging it out in the semi-finals. But in the end, only one will be the new American Idle (sic). So how are they doing?

Well, last night Rick Santorum, the former Senator from Pennsylvania, won the key Southern state primaries in Alabama and Mississippi. Not to be outdone, Romney cleaned Santorum’s clock by winning the all-important Hawaii and American Samoa primaries. That’s right-American Samoa! And he might have lost that all-important contest too if his handlers hadn’t counseled Romney to stop calling them the American S’mores.

Willard “Mitt” Romney has been campaigning for the last five years for this nomination. He’s spent millions and millions of dollars, and still can’t seem to get above 30% in any of the primaries held thus far. Here, in my humble opinion, is why I should be his campaign manager.

America is composed of about 99% “Working Joes” and “Working Josephines”, not “Working Willards” or “Working Mitts”. He needs to start by changing his name to “Hank” or “Duke” Romney. That will immediately give him 2 or 3 percentage points in these contests.

Second, he needs to spend an entire season as the host of television’s Dirty Jobs, cleaning septic tanks or killing cows in a slaughterhouse. Right now his only connection with just plain folks is his learned ability to say ‘grits’, ‘y’all’, and ‘I like trees’. Just for going to work, ole Duke Romney will grab another point or two in these races.

While I’m at it, I would tell Mitt to stop doing things like making $10,000 bets with people while he’s on national television. Oh I know that children do that all the time, but this guy can actually pay one off just with the dough in his wallet. In fact, I’d venture a guess that his wallet alone cost about 10k.

Admit you’re rich, Hank Romney! Why do you pretend that you aren’t? You are not one of us. Wearing jeans and rolling up your sleeves doesn’t make you so. I have never seen anyone look as uncomfortable as you do at one of these campaign whistle stops. You’re like the rich kid who shows up at a public basketball court and wants to start a pick up game using your personally autographed Michael Jordan ball, and who brings Michael Jordan with him as his teammate.

Be proud of the photo with you and the money falling out of your pockets! Revel in the fact that your bedroom slippers cost more than I make in a week. Hire all the illegals you can afford to clean for you!

Stop tying the dog to the roof of your car! It doesn’t look good.  And while you’re at it, get an All-American dog we can identify with, like a pit bull. Name him something like Hercules. And make sure America sees ole Hercules, testicles swinging around on CNN news feeds. The public likes a dog with balls.  Not only will America think you’re tough, but piss-ant countries like Iran will think twice before dropping an A-bomb down Israel’s throat. Plus you get the added benefit of protection! What chicken-fried smelling trailer trash is going to shove their urine-soaked baby in your arms when there’s even the remotest possibility that ole Hercules will chew its arm off?  

 Be proud of being a Mormon! Get married to a woman in every town in which you campaign! Beat up a gay person! Have a vision at a county fair; nothing says ‘America’ more than a potential President going glassy-eyed and quoting Joseph Smith’s golden tablets. Store the Osmonds in the luggage compartment of your bus and drag one or two out at each stop! Come on, do I have to think of everything?

And stop flip-flopping on every issue...or not...no really you need to stop...no you don’t. YES YOU DO! Jesus, it’s contagious!

America wants you to say SOME things, not EVERYTHING! You need to understand the concept of videotape. This isn’t 1900 where you can say shit to people one day and change your mind the next. You can’t be for “Obama Care” back then and against it now, especially if it’s original name was ‘Romney Care’. IT’S YOUR PLAN! Either embrace it or change your name to Creampuff Wussy Wimp III.

Mess up your hair once in a while. Does Bain Capital also own the Vitalis Company? Let America know that yes that is actual human hair and not a communications helmet from whatever robotics firm built you in the first place.

You need to swear a little too. And get drunk. And take a mistress. Or at the very least, pull a Bill Clinton and tell the world you got oral sex on the corporate jet, even if you didn’t. Make shit up! America will see you as human and flawed, and love you to death.

Finally, you need to make a dramatic speech, one that’s emotion-packed and will tug at both America’s heartstrings and purse strings. I’ve got one for you and you can put it in the new documentary I’m writing for you at this very minute. I call it...

Knute Romney-All American Guy!

Here’s your script.

“Well America...I haven’t a thing to say. We’ve played a great game...all of us...Great game. (He tries to smile)

I guess we just can’t expect to win ‘em all. But we sure wowed them in American S’more...er, Samoa

(Romney pauses and says quietly)

I’m going to tell you something I’ve kept to myself for years-

None of you ever knew Bob Dole.

It was long before your time.

But you know what a lesson he was for us all at the political game.

(There is a gentle, faraway look in his eyes as recalls Dole’s words)

And the last thing he said to me--“Romn,’ he said-

“sometime, when the team is up against it—and the breaks are beating the shit out of the Republican party—tell them to go out there with all they’ve got and win just one for the Doler....

(Romney’s eyes become misty and his voice is unsteady as he finishes)

I don’t know where I’ll be then Romn”, he said—“but

I’ll know about it—and I’ll be happy”.

Next, I’ll be giving my expert political punditry to Rick Santorum. Sooner or later, one of these loons will listen to me and I will be the most powerful, non-elected, transgendered comedian in the universe!

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug. Everybody eat. Abbondanza!