Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Loons! The Loons! Part III

(This is the third and final entry of my three-part, highly prejudicial and completely impressionistic, in-depth, gut-checking analysis of the Republican Presidential candidates.)

Today I was going to devote this entire essay to the remaining two Republican Presidential ahem.... candidates, Newt Gingrich and Ron Paul. But after Tuesday’s Illinois primary, it seemed pointless, given that they got whooped big-time by Willard “Mitt” Romney. Finally, his magic Mormon underwear is working!

It’s too bad too, because I had all this really fun stuff about both of them, like casting Ron Paul as John Galt in the musical version of Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged. He was to sing the show stopper ‘Hey Americans....Quit Your Whining and Eat Your Road kill” at the end of Act I.

And then there was Newt. I had him starring in a remake of the old radio series, “My Favorite Wife”.  It was hysterical. But alas; all of that is history now as Mitt Romney seems a shoe-in for the nomination. Oh wait, the phone is ringing. Hold on a second please...

What? What’s his name? Eric Fehrnstrom? Who the hell is that? He’s Romney’s what? and he really said that? ....I’ll get back to you later.

Okay, I’m back. You are not going to believe this. You know how every time Mitt Romney seems to get a little momentum going, he says or does something really dumb like his “Corporations are people too” comment, or “I’m not worried about poor people” remark? And do you remember how many times I’ve alluded to my belief that Mitt is sort of robotic and appears to be programmed with defective downloaded software? Or how about the many times I’ve wondered aloud if he is unaware of the existence of videotape and that stuff he has said over the years seems so contradictory? Well it seems that whatever computer virus that is causing Mitt to continually shoot himself in the foot has now infected his staff too!

Just yesterday, Eric Fehrnstrom, a top aid to Mitt, told a television news reporter that once the primary season was over and once the nomination was a lock, that Romney could “reset” himself like an “Etch-a-Sketch” and redraw himself to the liking of a more mainstream voter. Now remember this is his top aid speaking... the guy who is supposed to be helping Mitt work past the perception that many Americans have that Romney is a flip-flopping rich boy who never met a political position he couldn’t conform to.

Seriously; he said Etch-a-Sketch... Right after his boss won a huge victory in a critical Mid-West State...  He compared his boss to a child’s drawing toy whose images can be created and erased just by shaking the thing. 

You would think that someone who is a top aid to a candidate for President of the United States, who knows that his candidate has had some issues with credibility and commitment to a principle or a philosophy, would choose his words and phraseology a bit more carefully than that wouldn’t you?

And to make matters worse, Fehrnstrom’s comment came on the heels of the Jeb Bush endorsement, which is the Golden Fleece of endorsements! Having Jeb Bush say he supports you, even if he holds his nose while doing so, is like finding a Ty Cobb rookie baseball card in a moldy bin of a roadside flea market and purchasing it for a quarter!  Let’s face it folks, when it comes to good, honest governing, there’s nothing like hiding behind a Bush!

So, the fate of America, its economy, its future, potentially rests in the hands of a man who has been compared to an Etch-a-Sketch in terms of values and commitment. How then will they defeat President Obama in November and save the Republic? Well I can offer a few suggestions that they might consider.

First of all, let’s not panic over the whole ‘toy’ analogy. People love toys, right? Children too! And to paraphrase Mitt, people are children too!

It is obvious that the Republican strategy believes that the American voter is childlike. Why else would Herman Cain, Bachmann, or Perry have ever been even remotely considered viable candidates? So let’s explore the toy thing a little more.

Hey Reince Priebus, head of the Republican National Committee and Lord High Emperor of Star Cluster XM7 in the Klingon Empire- you are missing a great marketing opportunity for taking over the entire United States Government and replacing it with Romney-bots!

Here’s all you have to do: Just retro-fit Mitt. Get rid of the folksy $400 jeans. Lose the program that has him attempting to be a struggling out of work billionaire and dress him up in a Buzz Lightyear costume! He already has the square jaw and the social ineptness needed, and with his soulful singing voice he is sure to go to Infinity and Beyond in popularity.

And as for a Vice-Presidential candidate, well that’s obvious isn’t it? From the great state of New Jersey, it is my honor sir to nominate a true American icon and statesman, Mister Potato Head! He is the perfect complement to Presidential hopeful Lightyear in that you can change his facial characteristics and gender whenever and wherever it is needed.

Why stop there though? What about a cabinet? Miss Piggy for Secretary of State! Scrabble for Secretary of Education! GI Joe for Secretary of Defense! Milton Bradley for Chief of Staff! Oh Reince, with this one, extraordinarily bold, brilliant move, you can finally escape the curse of having had to live in the shadow of Michael Steele for all these years.

But alas, who am I, but a lowly plebe... a vagary, a missed stitch in the fabric of our nation. I know that my voice, while bellowing in the confines of the garret in which I write this electronic blip, is a mere church-mouse squeak in your world. I have no wealth, no corporation/person to twist your arm and grease your palm. All I have is words; and words are not people. Words mean nothing. They can be reset and erased like the ideas and ideals of Mitt Romney. They can be deleted, diluted, defamed, defiled, detoxified, delayed, and deposed in your world. But in my world, in real America, they mean something. And we’re listening.

I feel better now that I have given the very best of myself to insure a fair and balanced election. I hope that the candidates heed the valuable advice I've provided them and want them to know that if there is any super-pac money floating around that they need to unload, I could use a new washing machine.

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug, everybody eat. Abbondanza!

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