Monday, December 19, 2011

All the news that fits.

What an incredible action-packed day this has been. I don’t even know where to begin! 

On the home front, Diane called me all the way from California to see if I needed my carpet cleaned. What a thoughtful person!  To be honest, it wasn’t the actual Diane, but a recording of her voice. I’m sure the real Diane was much too busy to call me because she was out cleaning other peoples’ carpets that lived much closer, like say, in Idaho. She does get around, doesn’t she?  Still, it’s the thought that counts and believe me, I truly do appreciate the fact that her machine called here four times to make the offer.

What else happened? ....Oh, I got this wonderful email from a Mrs. Muny Tolato, congratulating me on the inheritance she had waiting for me to claim. It seems that in 1994, I befriended a wealthy African prince who recently died and named me as one of the beneficiaries in his will. What luck! See, it always pays to be kind, especially to African Princes.  All I have to do is send Mrs. Tolato a check to cover the shipping of the money to me. That’s right; she’s sending the actual money to me! I don’t yet know the exact amount because of the exchange rate and all, but it must be a whole lot of money, because the shipping costs alone are about ten thousand dollars. Wow! My horoscope was sooooooooooooo right. With my moon rising over the Trenton Bridge, and with my second house marrying my first house, I can quit my job, sit back, and just watch the dough roll in!

Of course, the news wasn’t all good; but it is all true. Almost.

Dateline- Hollywood ! Completely Unfounded and made up Gossip! Chaz Bono broke his engagement to his long-time girlfriend. The couple is mum on the reasons! (This part is true)

(This part I made up) Hmmmm...What could the reasons be? I doubt that it has anything to do with Mr. Bono riding a recent wave of new-found popularity and suddenly finding himself the object of any number of women’s affections. I mean, what man has ever been able to resist the lure of strange new love? Of course, that would make Chaz just like any man, and he couldn’t possibly be like that, could he? Hey me, k? I’d love have an ‘In and Out’ burger with you sometime <wink wink>.

Elsewhere in the news... FLASH! A recent survey shows that in anticipation of the government law banning incandescent light bulbs as of January 1, 2012, nearly 13% of filament-addicted, Edison -worshiping Americans came up with the bright idea to hoard them. Karen Beseth, of DeWitt, New York shed additional light on the subject by announcing that she was filling up her garage and basement with 100 Watt four-packs. Tell us Karen, just how many obsessive-compulsives does it take to change a light bulb?

This just in.... a black felt-tipped pen, accidentally swallowed by a now seventy-six year old British woman twenty-five years ago was successfully removed from her stomach. The woman claimed the writing instrument was forced down her throat after she was standing on the stairs and checking a spot on her tonsils. She slipped and fell, causing her to swallow the entire pen. Remarkably the doctors said that the pen still contained ink and wrote the word “hello” on a piece of paper. The pen immediately wrote back, “What the hell took you so long?”

The big news of the day is the death of North Korean Strongman and Bobblehead, Kim Jong (see-I-told-you-I-was) IL.Crap! No matter how I type that idiot’s last name, it still looks like Kim Jong the 2nd on paper.

Of course, I’m always happy when people-who-starve-their-country’s-population-for-the- sake-of-building-a-nuclear-bomb-while-they-live-in-the-lap-of-luxury, DIE. God knows this little shit killed enough of his own people, so good riddance.

He apparently died on board his presidential train, Choo-Choo One, from exhaustion and heart failure. Murdering and torturing can be brutal on the body, after all. And the poor dear was in his sixties.

Having said that, it is disturbing to note that the late Kim Jung Il is to be succeeded by his twenty-seven year old son, Jon Un, another odd looking young man. Not much is known about him, other than his gene pool seems to contain Manatee chromosomes. In fact up until the old man took a bullet to the head ...uh sorry, “died from exhaustion”, not too many people even knew he existed. Ahhh, if only Bush Sr. had kept ‘W’ a secret, we might all be better off today. 

So Jon Un, with his creepy DNA, will probably be ruling North Korea for the next forty-plus years, unless the North Korean people get tired of eating wall paper paste and dust, and decide to ‘un-jon’, Jon-Un. Ya never know.

Finally, an article appeared in the news that says potash, which is fertilizer, is now more valuable than gold. Imagine that? It makes sense though when you consider all the happy horse manure that Congress has been dumping on the country lately. Maybe that’s how they plan to stimulate the country’s economic health! No wonder so many people want to emigrate here. I can see the bumper sticker now ...

“Come to America, where Your dream of a better life is in a pile of shit! 

Okay. I’m done bitching. Everybody eat! Mangia! Abbondanza!


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