Saturday, December 31, 2011

Karma, Schmarma

Being that today is the last day of the year, my friend Nick suggested that this post be a recap of all the things I’ve done this year. He generally gives good suggestions, so earlier today I meditated for about two hours on some of the more noteworthy events that happened in my tiny world. Here in its abridged form, are selections from what I like to call,

So, how was YOUR Year, Julia?

January 1, 2011

Well, the ball is down and another year has begun! I am filled with joy and a sense in my heart that this is a time for hope and spiritual renewal. I can feel it in my soul that the Universe and I are finally, totally in alignment. My psychic energy is high, and my aura is brighter than it has ever been. I am supremely optimistic that this year will finally be MY year, and I am going to be the success I had always hoped to be. I SO love my life!

We've had two, huge, back-to-back snowstorms over the holidays, which dumped about six feet of snow all totaled. It is beautiful and I am sitting here in my palatial active adult community estate marveling at the power and force of Mother Nature. What else can I do? There is so much snow that the plows haven’t even gotten here yet! Oh well, I think I will just make another cup of hot tea and dig the scenery. My head is in such a good place!

By the way, dear, sweet Mrs. Caltobianco across the street called to see if I had seen Jackie, her twelve-year-old Jack Russell terrier. Apparently Jackie ran out the door this morning to play in the snow! Aww, how cute is that? I’m sure she’ll be back home soon, but I’ll keep an eye out for her anyway.  

Note to self: The “Q” on my keyboard has been sticking lately. Take it down to Jenny Bytes, the computer repair store at the mall for a good cleaning, just as soon as the driveway is cleared.

January 9, 2011 (Two weeks after the snowstorm)

Lots of time on my hands to write today, as the snowplow STILL hasn’t arrived yet. Can you believe it?

These storms have devastated the area, with power lines down and the like. Many of the seniors here are suffering terribly with little or no cable television, and there is rumoring of actual conversation going on between husbands and wives, which can only lead to bloodshed and an alarming increase in the senior divorce rate. But the snow is still nice, although it is getting a little sooty and urine-colored. I suspect that the latter was either caused by Jackie the Dog (still missing) or Mr. Mathias, who has a very tiny bladder and tends to relieve himself whenever the mood strikes him. Sure it’s disgusting, but we love good ole Mr. Mathias anyway.

I saw the cutest thing today! A family of ducks landed in my yard and waddled around for about a half-hour uacking ...sorry it’s the ‘Q’ again ...  uacking ... Dammit! Well you get the idea. After all, how difficult is it to figure out that they were quacking? Oh wow, it’s working! See? I told you I was in alignment with the Universe!

 January 29, 2011 (One MONTH after the snowstorm)                                                   

I swear to God, if that Mrs. Caltobianco calls me one more time about that stupid dog of hers, I’m going to put her on an iceberg and wave bye-bye to the old pain-in-the-ass as she floats out to sea. She friggin calls me every day and is interrupting the serious bourbon breaks I’ve been taking each morning since I’ve been a freakin prisoner in this freakin house. And why am I a prisoner? Because apparently, this stink hole I live in has one plow hooked up to a steam-powered truck that is only able to move one cubic foot of snow per week! These sons of bitches STILL haven’t plowed me out! What am I paying association fees for?

On top of that I can’t stand the sight of these ducks anymore, and if I don’t get to the Super Saver Supermarket soon and get some food in this house, that big fat one who always gives me the evil eye and keeps uacking ... Dammit to Hell! .. QUACKING outside my bedroom window till three in the morning is going to be stuffed, roasted, and glaring at me from a serving platter on my kitchen table tonight.

Seriously, I’ve got cabin fever and if I don’t get out of here soon, I’ll....wait...what’s that?
OH MY GOD! THE PLOWS ARE HERE, THE PLOWS ARE HERE!!!!  Oh thank you Universe! I’m getting outta here, I’m getting outta here....

March 14th, 2011

Well, there is good news and bad news today. First, the good news. A huge rainstorm melted the last of the snow today. A collective cheer and dozens of phlegm-laden, oxygen-deficient coughs went up in my active adult community in celebration of both spring and bocce ball season, which both begin next week. Once again I am feeling the good vibe of success coming my way and what’s more, I can feel the coming warmer weather in my bones. I can’t wait!

On the down side though, Jackie the Dog finally showed up. Apparently, the snow plow accidentally scooped her up during the storm. She was dumped into an eighteen-foot high snow bank, where she remained until the rain washed her right up to Mrs. Caltobianco’s front door. The horror of seeing the seemingly lifeless Jackie was too much for Mrs. C, and she collapsed right there and then. On the up side, she had some really cool furniture and I’ve got my eye on a nice Quoizel lamp that is in her bedroom, which I think I can get on the cheap when they have the estate sale. Both Mrs. Caltobianco and Jackie were laid to rest, and I am happy that they are together once again.

April 9th, 2011

Today was the last day of me working for the MAN. I left my old job and begin building my own, business tomorrow! What is it? Glad you asked. I’m importing these wonderful, hand-painted toys from China. They are very cheap and I can sell them to the stores around here, and make a HUGE PROFIT! Good life, here I come!

 I am a little nervous, of course, particularly because the economy is still in the crapper and I will be without health insurance for a while. But what the hell, I’m relatively healthy and I think the odds will be in my favor. Besides, President Obama is going to make it alright for me in the health insurance deptartment. By the end of the year, I’ll have affordable, comprehensive health insurance, and I can get as sick as I want.

June 3, 2011

Lead. The Chinese put lead in the paint that they used for the toys. LEAD for Chrissake! Don’t these people read the papers? Lead is not a food group. It’s not like iron or copper, which everyone needs in their body; IT’S LEAD!  Now I have a garage full of killer Chinese toys and no place to sell them. And as if that weren’t bad enough, I fell off the ladder yesterday trying to store my LEAD toys and wound up in the Emergency Room with a severely bruised ankle and possible lead poisoning. Of course, I STILL don’t have health insurance, so I can forget buying Mrs. Caltobianco’s lamp since I’ll be paying this bill off until Jesus comes back. Yeah, nice going Universe. Why I oughta....

September 15, 2011

Not that I’m interested, but the other night just for laughs I filled out one of those online singles thingies, just to see what kind of responses I might get. I was very honest, mentioning that I was transgendered and all, and lo and behold if I didn’t get two responses immediately! Wow, I must be one hot tootsie.

The first was from a businessman in Atlanta. His name is Herman ‘C” (Kind of dorky, I know, but I’ll come up with a cuter nickname for him after we’re married). He’s a little bit older than me, but that’s okay.

Herman is a former CEO of a large Midwest pizza chain. Wow! He seems very nice and is into numerology, which is kind of interesting, I guess. I don’t know much about it except that, oddly enough, my favorite number is 6 and his is 9. Maybe he’s the yin to my yang! Anyway, he’s flying into Newark next week to meet Donald Trump (can you believe it?)  and we’re hopefully going to get together.

The other response was from a guy named Anthony ‘W’, who says he is a New York Congressman! Judging from the pictures he just sent, Anthony (should I call him Tony?) is in very good shape. In fact here’s one of him without his shirt, and here’s one of.... wait... What the hell is that? OH MY GOD!

Folks, let me stop here. You can pretty much assume that the rest of 2011 went like this. The economy continued to tank, and in addition to everything else I gained forty pounds from being laid up for three months.  But if you have been reading this blog, you know it hasn’t all been bad.  There’s a lot that happened this year that was pretty good in fact.  I’ve begun to step out on stage again, have finally taken the steps toward embracing who I am and loving myself, and have even begun to write. All of these are good things, positives which far outweigh all the other crappy stuff.

I suggest you do the same in the coming year. Put all the pain and hurt you have behind you, because you can’t change it. Love everyone around you, because it will come back to you ten-fold. Envision your success; it will come. Try to laugh as much as possible because it’s good for the digestion.  But whatever you do, do not, I repeat, DO NOT go into the Chinese toy import business!

Happy 2012!

That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug, everybody eat. Abbondanza!



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