2012 will be starting in two days and it looks like it is already shaping up to be quite the year, news-wise. It is only fitting that I make my predictions in the vaguest of all possible ways, so that when an obscure and totally unrelated event does happen, someone can point to it and say, “See? J-Sco (my psychic nickname) said this was going to happen in 2012. That woman is a genius!”
Now I’m not claiming to be a psychic, just so you know. That would be just plain silly. About the only thing I can predict for sure is that cookies will play an integral part of my life in 2012. However, should I accidentally hit on something that actually does happen, I want to reserve the right in advance to change my previous statement. Call it the Mitt Romney Method of History Revision.
No, instead of relying on some unseen and unproven sixth sense, I have decided to use pure science in my prediction process. And what source could be more reliable than the writings of Nostradamus, a guy who died nearly four hundred and fifty years ago? What’s that? You say “Pshaw”? Oh realllllly? Did he NOT predict the invention of indoor plumbing when he wrote:
“And the day shall come. It will be a cold night and the world will rise up and feel the need. They will consider journeying through the wilderness for relief, but will stop on their way, and instead, GO inside...”
Need more proof? How about this?
“Eenie meenie miney mo
Catch a bad girl by the toe
If she holla, (if, if, if, she holla) let her go
Clearly, Nostradamus is talking about Michelle Bachmann’s Presidential campaign, and teen heart-throb Justin Bieber is channeling his spirit.
Now that I have proved my source to be reliable beyond the shadow of a doubt, I will slip into a sugar induced trance and make my predictions. I’ll be right back. Oh, you may notice a font change as I slip away. This is a clever, literary device invented by me, J-Sco, to indicate that I am now in a trance. Okay, I’m really slipping into it now.
1. Nostradamus: A goat will eat all the money of a certain man across the sea, rendering him a penniless jackass.
Me (interpreting): An obvious reference to yet another kardashian marriage sometime this year to an unsuspecting schlub.
2. Nostradamus: One of the chosen will travel great distances, and on a night shortly before the Winter Solstice, will fall into a great pit of blackness, never to be heard from again.
Me: The great seer is no doubt predicting the chances of any republican winning the presidency.
3. Nostradamus: A wild person with the mane of an aging lion will roar unceasingly, but frighten no one.
Me: Donald Trump will finally be confined to a mental hospital, where he will be free to say whatever he wants to his coffee cup.
4. Nostradamus: What seems impossible will be possible. And the world will shudder at the thought.
Me: “Vince”, the Sham-Wow guy will make his triumphant return to the world of show business and win a tony Award for his stage portrayal of an emotionally tortured, adult Augustus Gloop, the gluttonous kid in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
5: Nostradamus: The World will end on December 12, 2012.
Me: The world will end on .... Wait a minute .... WHAT DID YOU SAY?
“I said, the world will end on December 12, 2012. Pack a lunch.”
Wait, we need to get out of this font and discuss this.
That’s better. Okay. We’ve been having a little fun here. But telling these nice people that the world is coming to an end is a bit irresponsible don’t you think?
“Well it would be if it weren’t true, J-Sco. But I have it on a very reliable source.”
You mean God?
“No silly. God doesn’t talk to me. I mean the Mayans, of course.”
The Mayans? You mean the civilization that mysteriously disappeared from the face of the earth about two thousand years ago, leaving behind temples, ancient ruins, calendars, and alien aircraft landing strips? Those Mayans?
“The very same, J-Sco. Why, I am in constant contact with Quazioxycodone, the great chief and prognosticator. He was the Nostradamus of his day, you know. We soothsayers stick together.”
Wow. So how is it going to happen?
“Well, it could come from an asteroid slamming into the earth, or something much worse, like legalizing gay marriage or universal health care.”
Damn. So I guess I’d be screwed big time then, being transgendered and all.
”You will be on the express bus to hell, my friend. Enjoy your time here. I have to get going. Quazioxycodone and I have a psychic bowling tournament this afternoon, and I want to get there early to work on my game. See ya.”
Well there you have it folks, J-Sco’s revelations from the Great Beyond for 2012. Oh, rest assured that there were plenty more, but space prohibits me from sharing them with you. I will promise you this though; I will reveal them throughout the year moments AFTER they happen. Hey Nostradamus, are you still there? I have one more question.
“Make it a quick one. I’ve got the alley reserved and I’m late already.”
That thing you said about Vince, the Sham-Wow guy winning a Tony Award. Is that really true?
“You can bet the farm on it, J-Sco.”
Now that is a frightening thought.
That’s it. I’m done bitching. Everybody hug, Everybody eat. Abbondanza!