Down to Earth! "THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS" -- August 27, 2018

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Whoa! What’s with the boxes? There must be dozens of them?

JESUS: Oh these? They’re thoughts and prayers from Florida. Did you bring me anything to eat?

ME: What? Oh yeah. Here’s a Sausage and Egg Sizzli and your coffee. Wow. Those people pray a lot. What are they asking for?

JESUS: They want me to stop all these killings. They’re driving me nutzo.

ME: You know, I didn’t want to bring it up before. But honestly, if you are who you say you are, why don’t you stop them?

JESUS: What? Just wave a finger and stop it? The world doesn’t work like that lady. Besides, I have answered every single one of them. I always do.

ME: What’d you say?

JESUS: Render unto Caesar baby. Ban the semi-automatics and stop making it so easy for crazy people to get guns. THAT’S MY ANSWER! What else do they want me to do?

ME: Maybe they don’t know that it’s you talking to them. You need better Public Relations. Why don’t you go on Fox & Friends?

JESUS: Oh like that’s gonna happen. I’m a poor brown man with no visible means of support. What do I look like, a miracle worker?

ME: Well….???

JESUS: Can you take these boxes to the recycling place? I'm sure there will be new ones coming in soon. There always is.

ME: Sure.

JESUS: Bless you.

ME: Thoughts and prayers to you.

JESUS: Smartass.

 

Down to Earth! "SIX SEASONS" -- June 27, 2019

 

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

 

ME: Good morning! Hot enough for you?

JESUS: Really? What a hacky thing to say. It’s not so bad. I’ve been to hotter places, if you know what I mean.

ME: You know, I’ve often wondered why there are only four seasons. How did your father happen to pick that number?

JESUS: Good question. What a lot of people don’t know is that there were originally 6 seasons. But they weren’t really popular, so Dad got rid of them.

ME: Really? What were they?

JESUS: Well, there was Sonofa, that one season where it rained fireballs for 40 days and nights. You can understand why that didn’t catch on.

ME: Yeah.

JESUS: And then there was Indecisio, the one where it would be 95 degrees one day and 20 degrees the next. Dad thought that folks would like the variety, but it just pissed everybody off because they didn’t know how to dress. So he settled on 4.

ME: Makes sense. Hey, I hate to bother you, but this situation at the border is getting tragic. Can’t you fix it? I mean wave your hand for a miracle or something?

JESUS: I already told you how to fix it and no one listened.

ME: Refresh my memory.

JESUS: Love each other. Duh…

 ME: Oh. Right. Can I get you something from inside?

JESUS: Glad you asked. How about a nice Iced Coffee and one of those Choco-Taco ice cream bars?

ME: You got it buddy.

JESUS: Bless you.

ME: That means a lot.

JESUS: Now go get my ice cream, please? It’s hot as hell out here.

Down to Earth! "THE MUELLER REPORT" -- March 23, 2019

 

So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Hey, Whatcha reading?

JESUS: It’s the Muelller Report.

ME:  What?!!!! No way!

JESUS: Shhhh….I got an advance copy from Bobby.

ME: Bobby?

JESUS: Duh…Bobby Mueller.

ME: Anything juicy in it?

JESUS: It’s very thorough. He gives a full explanation of the Sopranos finale. And did you know that Ed Sullivan was the person on the grassy knoll?

ME: But what about the Russians? Is Trump compromised? I’m thinking that may not be the Mueller Report you’re reading.

JESUS: Want to know where Jimmy Hoffa is?

ME: Sigh. You want anything from the store?

JESUS: Yes! One of those jalapeno stuffed pretzels, a delicious Yoo-Hoo chocolate drink and a bottle of Clorox bleach.           

ME: Clorox?

JESUS: I told Bobby I’d destroy this after I read it.

ME: Ahh. Okay.

JESUS: It says here that Roseanne is planning another comeback…

ME: I’ll be right back.

JESUS: I ain’t going anywhere chickie.

 

 

           

Down to Earth! "RHONDA GIVES SOME ADVICE" -- February 16, 2020

 

So I bumped into Rhonda the Armenian at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Rhonda! Hey how are you? Where’s the big guy?

RHONDA: What’s with the questions? What are you, a private dick? Some kind of undercover gumshoe? Huh? Huh? Listen Spunky, not that it’s any of your beeswax, but he’s on a mission and can’t be reached.

ME: Mission? Oh wow. Let me guess…he’s in China curing the corona virus, right?

RHONDA: Are you kidding me? That stuff’ll give you a dirt nap. Naw, he’s picking up a pizza for lunch. You wanna leave a message?

ME: Yes. I have a question for him. Do you have a pen and some paper?

RHONDA: What do I look like, a Staples store? Here. And make sure you don’t scram-ay-voo with my pen, or I’ll hunt you down and give you a pox like you wouldn’t believe.

ME: Thanks. Here ya go. Maybe I’ll stop back later and…

RHONDA: (staring at the note)

“Dear J. Lately I’ve been getting more and more born again Christians telling me that I’m a horrible sinner and that I’m going to hell for being transgender. I’d really like a ruling on this so I might refute their claim? Can you help? Signed, Confused as Hell.”

RHONDA: (cont’d) Are you kidding me? This is what you want to bother the boss for? I am not going to bump this up to him no way no how. Plant your keister on the curb and Rhonda will straighten you out.

First of all, Hell was closed down about ten thousand years ago. Too many complaints. It’s an amusement park now. Second of all, you tell those big mouth bags of hot air that not only are you loved, but if anyone should feel bad about who they are it’s them.

ME: How so?

RHONDA: Remind them that it was two heterosexuals what got bumped outta the Garden of Eden for doing the dance of the in and out. And we’ve been paying for it ever since. Yeah, thanks straight people!

ME: Ooooh that’s good. You’re pretty smart.

RHONDA: Yeah, that and a $1.36 will get me a 16 oz. coffee. Hey seein’ as how I helped you and all, hows about buyin’ a girl a 16 oz. coffee?

ME: Sure. And I’m going to give you a good review to the boss.

RHONDA: This ain’t my first rodeo, Toots!