Down to Earth! "RHONDA GIVES SOME ADVICE" -- February 16, 2020

 

So I bumped into Rhonda the Armenian at the WaWa this morning…

ME: Rhonda! Hey how are you? Where’s the big guy?

RHONDA: What’s with the questions? What are you, a private dick? Some kind of undercover gumshoe? Huh? Huh? Listen Spunky, not that it’s any of your beeswax, but he’s on a mission and can’t be reached.

ME: Mission? Oh wow. Let me guess…he’s in China curing the corona virus, right?

RHONDA: Are you kidding me? That stuff’ll give you a dirt nap. Naw, he’s picking up a pizza for lunch. You wanna leave a message?

ME: Yes. I have a question for him. Do you have a pen and some paper?

RHONDA: What do I look like, a Staples store? Here. And make sure you don’t scram-ay-voo with my pen, or I’ll hunt you down and give you a pox like you wouldn’t believe.

ME: Thanks. Here ya go. Maybe I’ll stop back later and…

RHONDA: (staring at the note)

“Dear J. Lately I’ve been getting more and more born again Christians telling me that I’m a horrible sinner and that I’m going to hell for being transgender. I’d really like a ruling on this so I might refute their claim? Can you help? Signed, Confused as Hell.”

RHONDA: (cont’d) Are you kidding me? This is what you want to bother the boss for? I am not going to bump this up to him no way no how. Plant your keister on the curb and Rhonda will straighten you out.

First of all, Hell was closed down about ten thousand years ago. Too many complaints. It’s an amusement park now. Second of all, you tell those big mouth bags of hot air that not only are you loved, but if anyone should feel bad about who they are it’s them.

ME: How so?

RHONDA: Remind them that it was two heterosexuals what got bumped outta the Garden of Eden for doing the dance of the in and out. And we’ve been paying for it ever since. Yeah, thanks straight people!

ME: Ooooh that’s good. You’re pretty smart.

RHONDA: Yeah, that and a $1.36 will get me a 16 oz. coffee. Hey seein’ as how I helped you and all, hows about buyin’ a girl a 16 oz. coffee?

ME: Sure. And I’m going to give you a good review to the boss.

RHONDA: This ain’t my first rodeo, Toots!