Fan mail. December 29th, 2019
So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning…
ME: Holy cow! A Desk? Telephone? Typewriter? What is this? And who’s that woman?
JESUS: I decided to work from home today. That’s Rhonda. She’s Armenian. She’s also my secretary.
ME: Secretary? Why do you need a secretary?
JESUS: Are you kidding? You know what my typical day is like? Wars, peace, famine, miracles, punishments; it’s endless. Rhonda started working for me in 22 A.D. and has been with me ever since.
ME: Wow. She’s loyal.
JESUS: Not really. I pay her a small fortune, she gets 15 weeks vacay every year. Plus she has a great benefits package. She’s got about 300 years of sick days accrued. And a health plan to die for. I stole her from John the Baptist, but she’d leave me for something better in a heartbeat… if she still had a heartbeat. I’d be lost without her.
ME: What’s she doing now?
JESUS: Answering fan mail.
ME: What? You get fan mail?
JESUS: Babe, do you forget who I am? I get stacks of it every day. Mostly they want autographed pictures, requests for me to record their voicemail greeting, requests for miracles, stuff like that. Honestly without Rhonda, they’d be breaking down the door trying to get to me.
ME: You don’t have a door. This is a parking lot.
JESUS: That’s how good she is. And this time of year, we get swamped with New Year requests- Mostly for world peace and brotherly love.
ME: Yeah, about that. You can raise someone from the dead. Why can’t you get people to stop killing each other?
JESUS: Don’t put that on me. I give you the ability to love 24/7. It’s the solution, the cure, the antidote for evil and you just toss it in the junk drawer of your lives because it’s too harrrrrrrd to love and forgive!
ME: Alright, alright. You want something from inside?
JESUS: Yeah. A jalapeno pretzel, a hard-boiled egg, a bag of Bugles and a coffee.
RHONDA: HEY SNOWHEAD!
ME: Are you talking to me Rhonda?
RHONDA: No I’m talking to the Buick behind you. Yeah. Get me a Bacon, egg and cheese Sizzli, will ya? And 2 packs of Virginia Slims Menthol?
ME: That’s not very healthy.
RHONDA: It don’t matter. I’m already dead, ya dumb hick!
ME: Charming. Hey, do I really have to get all that for her?
JESUS: If you don’t she’ll be in a foul mood for the next 2 centuries. The last time she got mad, she took it out on Director Michael Cimino and gave him “Heaven’s Gate”.
ME: Yikes. Okay, I’ll get the stuff.
JESUS: Great. Hey do you have any requests for the New Year?
ME: Yeah. Could you try the world peace thing one more time?
JESUS: You know what to do.
ME: Love? That’s the best you got?
JESUS: Love is all you need. Rhonda gave that one to John Lennon one year. I love ya tootsie belle!
ME: I love you too. That’s all we need, right?
JESUS: You got it chickpea. Happy New Year!
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