So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa this morning. He was sitting on the curb with a yellow legal pad and writing furiously.
ME: Hey, I got you a coffee and one of those stuffed jalapeno pepper pretzels you like so much. Whatcha writing?
JESUS: My resignation letter. Thanks for the grub.
ME: Your what?
JESUS: My resignation letter. I quit. Two weeks’ notice, then Adios. Finito, bye Felicia.
ME: But why?
JESUS: Too many posers around. All these evangelicals with their $3,000 suits, Lear Jets, and mega-churches. Look at me. Who’s going to listen to a guy who depends on others for jalapeno pretzels and cigarettes?
ME: Does your Dad know?
JESEUS: Told him last night. He doesn’t blame me. He’s getting a little fed up too. I think we’re going to invest in a cannabis farm in Colorado.
ME: I hope you reconsider. A lot of people are going to miss having you around. We kind of need you right now. Are you planning a big goodbye like the last time?
JESUS: You mean the Ascension into Heaven bit? Naw. Too flashy. My friend Lenny is an Uber driver. He’s going to pick me up and we’re driving to Colorado together. Want to come?
ME: You mean come with you, like the Rapture?
JESUS: No. I mean come with me, like you pay for half the gas. You in?
ME: Can you just think about this for a couple of weeks? I think you’re making a mistake.
JESUS: Will you buy me a chocolate donut?
ME: Of course.
JESUS: Okay. But only for two weeks. You people better get your ass in gear or I’m outta here!
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