So I bumped into Jesus AND Rhonda the Armenian at the WaWa this morning…
JESUS: Chickpea!!!! Long time no see!!! Don’t shake my hand or Covid will do unto you as it did unto me!
RTA: Yeah Boss, and if you get sick again, I ain’t holdin’ your hair back while you pray to the porcelain god and upchuck your cookies! What are you looking at, Squid Face?
ME: Uh… why are you dressed as a hypodermic needle?
RTA: Boss, is she kiddin me? Are you kiddin me? It's my Halloween costume! I’m a dose of Remdezivir for Chrissake! Sorry Boss…I mean for crying out Loud! What are you some kind of ignoramus? Here, bend over and I’ll give you an injection. Remdezivir is good for curing the Ignoramuses too.
ME: Actually, it’s not a cure it’s a …
JESUS: Tut tut tut…don’t. She gets really testy when you try to correct her. But enough about her. How do you like my costume? Better than last year when I was dressed as a burning bush, right?
ME: Let’s see…a white lab coat, a thermometer, a mask and a stethoscope…umm… CNN’s beloved in-house doctor, the incredibly sexy Dr. Sanjay Gupta?
RTA: No Mrs. Jerkweed, Mrs. Hedda Upuass, Mrs. Banana Rama Brain…Mrs.….
JESUS: Rhonda!!!!
RTM: Yes. Boss. Hmmph. You’re lucky he stopped me. I was just getting goin.
JESUS: No. But you’re close. I’m Rappin’ Dr. Fauci! And I’m never grouchy! Cuz I’m sittin on the couchy, eatin popcorn from a pouchy…
ME: Okay, okay okay OKAY! I GET IT. You’re a senior citizen Italian infectious disease genius who is also a rapper AND the Lord and Savior of billions of believers worldwide. Why hasn’t someone developed this idea for television?
JESUS: Good. Because I was running out of things that rhymed with Fauci. And, for your information, I’m in talks with a couple of networks. So did you vote?
RTA: Yeah, Club Sandwich Face….didja vote? Or are you just gonna let the Commies march down Main Street, US of A and burn all the library books? You’d probably like that ya pinko.
ME: As a matter of fact RHONDA…I voted a couple of weeks ago. Man, what is with her?
JESUS: She’s just sensitive, that’s all.
ME: Sensitive?
RTA: Yeah Cheez Whiz…you heard the boss.
ME: So…did you both vote?
JESUS: Naw, we can’t vote. We aren’t uh…from here, if you know what I mean.
RTA: She knows what you mean. She’s dumb, but she ain’t stupid. But she’s REALLLLY dumb. Maybe stupid too…
JESUS: Rhonda! One more outburst and you’re getting a time-out in Purgatory. Remember, you’re already on probation.
ME: So where are you from?
JESUS: Between you me and the lamppost? Let’s say… Nova Scotia. And let’s say that Rhonda is originally from Rhode Island. Now we’re just spirits. Blessed Holy Spirits, but spirits nonetheless. And spirits can’t vote. But we’re glad you did.
ME: Well it was good seeing you again. Can’t say the same for Rhonda. Take care, guys.
RTA: Grrrrrrr……
JESUS: Before you go?????
ME: (Sigh) what would you like?
JESUS: Coffee for me and a Red Bull for Rhonda. A package of Hostess Sno-Balls, the pink ones please. Also, a hardboiled egg, 5 assorted stuffed pretzels, 2 packs of Marlboro Lights, and one of those giant bottles of Poland Spring Water. You know the one with the pop up spout?
ME: Alright. I don’t suppose you have any money, do you? I’m not working right now.
JESUS: You know I would if I could. But I can give you a special blessing and put it in with Dad personally. He listens to me, you know.
RTA: Or I can kick you right in the chops if you don’t pony up the dough.
ME: One of these days Rhonda…alright, I’ve got it covered.
JESUS: Thanks. You’re aces with me. And I just told dad to make the election turn out the way you want. He said not to worry.
ME: Wait. How did you know that?
RTA: Girl, you really are a stupid cactus face. He knows EVERYTHING.
ME: I’ll be right back.
JESUS: We’ll be here. We’ll always be here. Happy Halloween!
No comments:
Post a Comment