So I bumped into Jesus at the WaWa tonight…
ME: Hey man, Happy Birthday! What’s with the crowd?
JESUS: Oh wow, I’m glad you’re here! I’m showing home movies from the night I was born! We’re just about to roll tape.
ME: Home movies? They had video equipment 2000 years ago?
JESUS: Go-Pro babe. We were very progressive. Shhhhh…we’re starting…
ME: This is crazy…whoa…who are those people?
JESUS: That’s Mama and Step Daddy. They’re trying to check into the inn and the clerk is telling them they don’t have a room. That’s Step Daddy yelling at the clerk, telling him that Mama’s in labor, and that’s Mama yelling at Step Daddy in between contractions for not making reservations.
ME: I don’t believe this.
JESUS: Oh ye of little faith. Ya gotta believe, woman! Oh here’s a good part. Mama and Step Daddy and me are trying to find a place in the stable. Mama is screaming in pain. Did you know that she was in labor for 22 hours with me? I was a big baby.
ME: You know, all those animals, ox, the lamb, the cow…that couldn’t be sanitary. And that constant drumming from that kid.
JESUS: Oh man, Mom HATED that kid. Step Daddy had to threaten him with a shovel to the head if he didn’t stop playing. The kid got really pissed and just started saying “par rumpa bump bump” for like 6 hours after that.
Okay, the next part is kind of messy. It’s where I actually get born. Do you want me to fast forward?
ME: Yes please do. The WaWa folks are trying to sell food here and don’t need to see that.
JESUS: Got it. So here I am, all wrapped in swaddling clothes and Mama is all sweaty and happy and Step Daddy is throwing up in the corner. He’d never seen a baby born before and it kind of caught him by surprise.
ME: What’s next? Who are those three guys?
JESUS: Oh wow…I forgot about them. These guys just showed up out of nowhere. Mama was yelling at Step Daddy because she thought they were his friends from the bowling league. But they weren’t. They were three wise guys from the Caputo family on the East Side. But they brought some cool stuff. Frankincense, Myrrh, and Step Daddy’s favorite…gold! Step Daddy wanted to buy a boat with the gold, but Mama said that if he did, she’d circumcise him all over again! Anyway, they were on their way to Rome and just stopped in. That was nice of them, no?
ME: Very.
JESUS: So that’s pretty much it. I hope you hang around. Rhonda the Armenian brought cake. Please stay and have a piece?
ME: I’d love some. You want coffee with that cake?
JESUS: You know I do, chickie. Hurry back. We’ll have a piece of cake and maybe we can also have peace on earth. Love you.
ME: Love you too. Happy Birthday my friend.
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