So I bumped into Jesus at the 7-11 this morning!
ME: What the….? What are you doing here?
JESUS: I‘m doing the Lord’s work.
ME: But you ARE the Lord!
JESUS: Duh….so I’m working. I have a route.
ME: Like one of those bread trucks?
JESUS: Kind of. I’m doing loaves and fishes this week at some of the homeless camps. You know all these poor folks lost their homes because they can’t work. Pandemic, you know.
ME: Listen. A lot of people I know have been asking where you’ve been. It’s getting really ugly around here lately. People killing each other because of their color, people ignoring doctors’ warnings and spreading this disease everywhere, and politicians who see evil and do nothing to stop it. We’re really starting to freak out. So if you have any ideas about how we can get out of this, I wish you’d go on TV or something and let people know.
JESUS: Oy vey. Chickpea, we’ve been over this a gazillion times. You know the answers to all of your questions. First of all, and most important…DON’T BE A DOUCHE TO ONE ANOTHER!!!! You don’t have to like everybody, although that would be nice. But only a major league douche hates someone because of how they look or who they love. So right there…eliminate douchiness and replace it with love and half your problems will disappear.
ME: Easier said than done.
JESUS: Now see? You’re being a negative Nellie again. You people need learn how to think for yourselves. Dad and I really spent a lot of time working on making the human brain and we did a pretty good job. You just need to use it. Stop being a sheep.
ME: And what are the other things?
JESUS: Try to come up for a word that denotes a single sheep. One sheep is a sheep, two or more sheep are still sheep? What the hell? Come on! You people went into space. Work on your language!
Oh, and WEAR A MASK fer crying out loud! It’s a mask not a political statement. You’re going to kill your nonni if you don’t. Jeez…again…stop listening to fools and buttheads. Man…listen to me today. I’m really cranky and so tired, my little pineapple. Just do what you know is right.
ME: Ok. But hey, I get that you travel a lot for your job. But there are WaWa(s) all over the place. It still doesn’t explain why you’re at a 7-11. And don’t think I’m buying that malarkey about being on your ‘route’.
JESUS: Okay, my little cheddar ball, you caught me. The truth is, I’m addicted to root beer Slurpees.
ME: NO!!!
JESUS: Satan works in his own evil way. So, listen. As long as you’re here…
ME: Yeah yeah. Some things never change. You want a 32 oz?
JESUS: Of course. And one of those hot dogs on the merry-go-round if you don’t mind.
ME: Seriously? Those things will kill you.
JESUS: Are you not familiar with my personal history?
ME: Oh right. Ok. I’ll be back in a minute. I don’t suppose you’re going to pony up some dough to pay for this stuff.
JESUS: I’m a little strapped for cash.
ME: Yeah, yeah. Jesus. He’s not just a savior. He’s also a schnorrer.
JESUS: One other thing, chickpea…
ME: Yes?
JESUS: You never saw me here, okay?
ME: You’re weird, you know that?
JESUS: Now is that any way to talk to a Savior?
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